HEADLINE
Moose Drops 142 and Tuna Didn't Even See It Coming
WEEK IN REVIEW
Week 1 of the 2025 B1G League season opened with a 40.52-point blowout that felt less like a football game and less like a mercy killing — Moose's Psych Ward put up 142.74 points against Tuna's Lisan Al-Caleb squad, which could only muster 102.22 in response. Josh Allen alone went nuclear for 38.76 points, Bijan Robinson added 21.40, and James Cook chipped in 18.70 — all three Buffalo Bills stacking points faster than Tuna could refresh his app and question every life choice that led him to this moment. This is a man who once spent $8 of FAAB on a kicker. Josh Allen was right there. Every week. Available. Anyway.
The week's other major storyline belongs to Memphis, who somehow scraped together 103.06 points with Jalen Hurts leading the charge at 24.28 and beat Stow — the league's all-time regular season wins leader at 11-3 — by a gut-wrenching 2.36 points. Stow's Jake Moody kicked for 3.00 points. Three. Points. That's a field goal and a prayer, and the prayer bounced off the upright. Stow will absolutely file a formal grievance about this in the group chat, cite three different precedents, and still be 11-4 going into next week, which tells you everything about how unhinged this league is. Meanwhile, Marc's 138.12-point performance — featuring Derrick Henry going off for 28.70 and Michael Penix dropping 24.02 off the bench — was enough to edge Nuss by 6.68 points, because Nuss's destiny is to watch two consecutive toilet bowl trophies mock him from the shelf while he floods the chat with trade proposals for Giants receivers nobody wants.
Week 2 is here, and the real question isn't who wins — it's whether Bibi logs in long enough to set a lineup, whether Stow opens the week with a 2,000-word grievance post about his Week 1 loss, and whether Zach's QB hoarding pays off or continues to be the most elaborate "no" in fantasy football history. Stay tuned.
MATCHUP RECAPS
The Psych Ward (Moose) def. Lisan Al-Caleb (Tuna), 142.74–102.22
💥 BLOWOUT — 40.52 point margin
Moose dropped 142.74 points — 21% above the league average of 118.11 — and the only thing that kept this from being more embarrassing for Tuna is that Cam Ward scored 2.48 points in the QB2 slot, proving even Moose's worst decision of the week costs him nothing. Josh Allen's 38.76-point performance was the single most dominant individual outing of the week, and paired with Bijan Robinson's 21.40 and Deebo Samuel's 19.10, Moose essentially won this game before halftime of the Sunday slate. Tuna, meanwhile, got 8.82 from Joe Burrow and watched Jerome Ford contribute 1.00 point from the flex — one dollar-store yard for the man, one crushing loss for mankind. This is the guy who convinced league mates to hand over 2027 first-rounders for depth. Tuna's 7-7 all-time record looked a lot more defensible before Sunday. The Psych Ward is now 1-0 in 2025 and looking ominously like the team everyone has to beat.
Qsama Bin Johnston (Marc) def. The Naberhood (Nuss), 138.12–131.44
Marc put up a legitimate 138.12 points — second-highest of the week — and still made it look harder than it needed to be, because Nuss hung 131.44 on him and refused to die quietly. Zay Flowers had a monstrous 24.60-point outing for Nuss, and J.J. McCarthy chipped in 22.22, which means Nuss's team is either turning a corner or running the most elaborate "2-13 incoming" setup in fantasy history. Marc's Derrick Henry (28.70) and Michael Penix (24.02 off the bench) were the difference-makers, carrying a lineup that also got a combined 7.70 points from Xavier Worthy and Terry McLaurin — the WR corps doing their best impression of a background character in someone else's movie. Marc improves to 1-0 in 2025, still chasing that fleece Nuss handed him in a previous season like a man with a very specific grudge. Nuss drops to 0-1, which is historically on-brand for a guy who's been crowned toilet bowl champion twice running.
Better Call 'Slaa (Memphis) def. Stow Football Club (Stow), 103.06–100.70
🔥 NAIL-BITER — 2.36 point margin | UPSET
The biggest upset of the week was also the closest game, and Stow — the man with the best all-time record in this league at 11-3 — lost to Memphis by 2.36 points, which is approximately what Jake Moody earns in a good half. Stow's kicker put up 3.00 points. Memphis's kicker, Ka'imi Fairbairn, put up 14.00. That's the game. That's the full game recap. You want more? Fine: Jalen Hurts scored 24.28 for Memphis, while Stow's Baker Mayfield did his best at 22.58, but Tee Higgins contributed 4.80 points and Trevor Lawrence added 10.32 as the QB2, which tells you something about the roster depth Stow is working with right now. Memphis improves to 1-0 in 2025, and Stow — who will absolutely spend the next six days explaining why this loss was a statistical anomaly — drops to 0-1. The gap between "best record in the league" and "lost to a man who doesn't know if he's rebuilding or contending" is exactly 2.36 points.
Prison FC (Zach) def. Tyjae entered the chat (Bibi), 107.26–100.14
Zach's 107.26-point performance was the fourth-lowest score of the week, he played the second-lowest scorer in the league, and he still only won by 7.12 points — which somehow feels like a character description for both managers. Bo Nix put up 6.84 points at QB1, A.J. Brown gave 1.30 points from a WR slot, and Kenneth Walker contributed 3.90 from the flex. This is not a championship roster. This is a hostage situation dressed in a jersey. Bibi, for his part, started Tyreek Hill — now listed as a free agent — for 6.00 points, and Cooper Kupp delivered 2.50 from the WR2 slot in what may be the least inspiring receiving corps performance this side of a preseason game. Bibi's 100.14 was the lowest score of the week, good for the season's current low watermark, and his team's 3-11 all-time record gives you very little reason to believe Week 2 will be the revelation. Zach moves to 1-0 in 2025, which feels fine until you notice he's starting two quarterbacks who combined for 14.66 points.
The Puka Buka Experience (Waldy) def. Young Boys Wanted (Wine), 129.72–125.68
🔥 NAIL-BITER — 4.04 point margin
Waldy put up 129.72 — third-highest of the week — and still needed every point of it to hold off Wine, who countered with 125.68 and a Lamar Jackson QB2 line of 29.36 points that makes you wonder what exactly is happening with Wine's starting lineup decisions. Lamar Jackson scored 29.36 points sitting in the QB2 slot. Let that marinate. Waldy got 26.02 from Patrick Mahomes, 21.60 from Emeka Egbuka, and 18.10 from Puka Nacua — the man the team is literally named after — which is the kind of synergy that makes a franchise feel alive again after years of what we're diplomatically calling "decline." Wine's CeeDee Lamb (14.50) and Chuba Hubbard (16.40) put in good shifts, but Jaylen Waddle's 5.00 points and DeVonta Smith's 7.10 left points stranded on the field. Waldy improves to 1-0 in 2025 and quietly looks like a team that might actually figure it out this year. Wine falls to 0-1 in 2025, 4-10 all-time, and is still waiting on the proof that Year 1 wasn't a cosmic accident.
POWER RANKINGS
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The Psych Ward (Moose, 1-0) — Dropped 142.74 and a 38-point Josh Allen on a helpless Tuna. The band tuba player is running this league again and nobody has an explanation.
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Qsama Bin Johnston (Marc, 1-0) — 138.12 points, Henry going off, Penix a surprise contributor. The waiver-wire warrior is opening 2025 like a man with a grudge and a gameplan.
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The Puka Buka Experience (Waldy, 1-0) — Mahomes, Egbuka, and Puka showed up. The "once proud franchise" narrative dies a little every time Waldy quietly outscores the room.
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The Naberhood (Nuss, 0-1) — Scored 131.44 in a loss. Zay Flowers went for 24.60. The toilet bowl king is either genuinely good now or running an elaborate long con on all of us.
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Young Boys Wanted (Wine, 0-1) — 125.68 points in a loss because Lamar Jackson's 29.36 points were apparently warming the bench. Year 1 trophy doesn't cover Year 3 lineup decisions.
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Prison FC (Zach, 1-0) — Won despite Bo Nix (6.84), A.J. Brown (1.30), and a QB room that scored 14.66 combined. The QB hoarding empire claims its first victim. The gulag is open for business.
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Better Call 'Slaa (Memphis, 1-0) — Won the upset of the week by 2.36 points with the help of a 14-point kicker. Still don't know if Memphis is rebuilding or contending. Memphis doesn't know either.
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Stow Football Club (Stow, 0-1) — 11-3 all-time. Lost by 2.36 points. Jake Moody scored 3.00. Stow's post-game legal brief is expected to arrive in the group chat sometime Tuesday.
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Lisan Al-Caleb (Tuna, 0-1) — Lost by 40.52 to Moose, got 1.00 point from Jerome Ford, and has $8 of FAAB kicker trauma permanently embedded in his scouting process. Same Tuna, new season.
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Tyjae entered the chat (Bibi, 0-1) — Started free agent Tyreek Hill. Started Cooper Kupp for 2.50. Logged in long enough to lose by 7.12. The ghost owner haunts his own roster.
LOOKING AHEAD
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🏆 Marquee Matchup: Keep an eye on how Moose's 142.74-point machine matches up next week — the Psych Ward is the highest scorer in the league right now and the defending champion. Any team drawing that matchup should be stress-eating already.
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🔥 Streak Watch: Marc and Waldy are both 1-0 and both sitting in the top half of the standings all-time. Two managers with something to prove — Marc chasing waiver wire redemption, Waldy quietly willing his aging franchise back to relevance — on collision courses with the rest of the field.
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⚠️ Must-Win: Bibi absolutely cannot go 0-2. A 3-11 all-time record and a 100.14-point opener is the kind of trajectory that ends with a participation trophy and a nickname nobody wants. If the lineup doesn't get set, the autopilot alone will not save him.
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😤 Revenge Game: Stow lost by 2.36 points to Memphis and Jake Moody scored 3.00. Stow has already rewritten the game in his head six times and made it someone else's fault. Week 2 is going to feel very personal for a man who treats every fantasy loss like a breach of contract.
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📉 League Trend: The bottom half of this league — Bibi, Nuss, and Wine — is a combined 1-2 in 2025 with a lot of points left on the bench. Bibi had 71.40 bench points, Nuss left 87.18 on the pine, and Wine watched Lamar Jackson light up the QB2 slot for 29.36. If these teams can't close the gap between who they're starting and who they're sitting, the top of the standings is going to run away with the $1,500 before October.