HEADLINE
Mother Kelly drops 167 while JesusJesse gets crucified at 96.
WEEK IN REVIEW
Week 1 of the 2026 season had exactly one team playing a different sport than everyone else. Mother Kelly put up 167.46 points — 27% above the league average of 131.42 — and it wasn't even a discussion. Caleb Williams (39.26), Kenneth Walker (37.10), and Jaxon Smith-Njigba (26.20) turned in a coordinated performance that felt less like fantasy football and more like a coordinated crime. Chass scored 133.04 and still lost by 34.42 points, which means Derrick Henry going off for 38.30 and Christian Watson erupting for 32.70 was somehow just… not enough. That's a rough welcome to the season.
The week's actual chaos came from the andiesel67 vs. Shea's Boyfriend matchup, where a 0.56-point margin separated a W from an L. Jahmyr Gibbs (36.60) and Trey McBride (24.50) carried andie to 142.36, while Owen — who would never order a whole pizza for himself, but apparently will field Jaylen Waddle (1.20 pts) and George Kittle (3.20 pts) in the same lineup — put up 141.80. Bijan Robinson (31.30) and Ashton Jeanty (35.70) were elite. The rest of his roster was very much not. Shea's Boyfriend lost by literally half a point and had 44.50 points on his bench. That's not bad luck. That's a crime scene.
On the other end of the spectrum, JesusJesse — who reportedly holds the record for most fantasy teams in a single season — somehow managed to field his worst possible lineup and still finished as the league's lowest scorer at 96.46. Joe Burrow coughed up 14.16 points, Drake London and Davante Adams combined for 11.10, and Cameron Dicker kicked for 2.00. JesusJesse had 86.30 points sitting on his bench. The Jacksonville Jaguars defense (16.00) was his second-highest scorer. Week 2 is already a must-not-lose situation, and we're four days into the season.
MATCHUP RECAPS
StonewallBrgd (Mother Kelly) def. Ed West's Best (chass), 167.46–133.04
Mother Kelly came in swinging with the week's highest score, landing 27% above the league average of 131.42. Caleb Williams (39.26) and Kenneth Walker (37.10) were the twin engines of destruction, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba (26.20) and Nico Collins (21.20) kept the foot on the gas. Chass wasn't bad — Derrick Henry's 38.30 and Christian Watson's 32.70 are legitimate fantasy performances. The problem is that Colston Loveland went for 0.00 points and the Denver Broncos defense matched him at 0.00, which means chass had two roster spots that contributed exactly nothing. A 34.42-point blowout to open the season is the kind of thing that sticks with you. Chass heads into Week 2 needing to prove that lineup was the exception, not the template.
Young Shea (shiftyshea67) def. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE, 158.52–125.76
Young Shea — TSA unaccompanied minor, professional purse taco transporter — came out looking like a seasoned veteran, posting 158.52 and finishing 21% above the league average. Jalen Hurts (28.72), Justin Jefferson (31.20), and Chris Olave (28.20) did the heavy lifting, and DJ Moore (21.00) added a third receiving weapon that most teams would love to have. The Houston Texans defense (-6.00) was a mess, but the damage was contained. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE, meanwhile, had Josh Allen drop 39.66 points — the single highest individual player score of the week — and still lost by 32.76. Why? Because Ja'Marr Chase went for 3.20, Kyle Pitts went for 0.00, and HEEEEEEEEEEEEE left 110.60 points on his bench. One hundred and ten point six zero points. On the bench. That's not a lineup. That's a hostage situation. Also, Young Shea had 41.50 on her own bench — a detail that will matter more in weeks when her starters don't show up.
andiesel67 (andie) def. TeamSheasBoyfriend22 (Shea's Boyfriend), 142.36–141.80 🔥
Half a point. HALF A POINT. Andie — who is not there for the curry — survived the closest matchup of the week by 0.56 points, fueled by Jahmyr Gibbs going absolutely nuclear for 36.60 and Trey McBride posting 24.50 at tight end. Breece Hall (22.80) and Zay Flowers (26.00) were clean contributors, but Jordan Addison's 0.00 and Brandon Aubrey's 2.00 kicker score nearly handed the game away. On the other side, Shea's Boyfriend had Bijan Robinson (31.30) and Ashton Jeanty (35.70) — two of the best individual performances in the league this week — and somehow lost. Jaylen Waddle (1.20), George Kittle (3.20), and Tetairoa McMillan (10.50) torpedoed what should have been a comfortable win, and 44.50 points remained on his bench untouched. Owen, this is exactly why you order the whole pizza. You need all of it.
justincash (justincash) def. JesusJesse, 101.90–96.46
The returning champ squeaked out a 5.44-point win in what was objectively the ugliest game of the week. justincash was 22% below the league average at 101.90, and JesusJesse was 27% below at 96.46 — these are two teams that collectively put on a masterclass in mediocrity. D'Andre Swift was justincash's saving grace with 35.40 points; everyone else on that roster was essentially a speed bump. Dak Prescott (14.40), A.J. Brown (5.60), and the Chargers defense (-2.00) all contributed to the general sadness. JesusJesse's roster — with 86.30 points left on the bench — is the real story here. Jonathan Taylor (25.10) was the only starter who looked like a fantasy asset. The JAX defense (16.00) outscored Joe Burrow (14.16). JesusJesse holds the record for most fantasy teams in a season; apparently none of those teams taught him about lineup optimization.
shaunieee (Shauners) def. Stackhouse2026 (Stackhouse), 132.02–114.86
Shauners — two drinks away from becoming Shauna 67-67-67 and stealing cats off the street — played a clean, methodical game anchored by David Montgomery (28.90) and Javonte Williams (24.20). Drake Maye was a liability at 9.82 at quarterback, and Harrison Mevis kicked for a grand total of 1.00 point, but the rest of the lineup did enough. Stackhouse had legitimate weapons — Lamar Jackson (30.96), Amon-Ra St. Brown (28.70), and Mike Evans (16.90) — but Saquon Barkley (9.00), J.K. Dobbins (3.60), and the Rams defense (-1.00) dragged everything down. Stackhouse also left 103.56 points on the bench, which is genuinely staggering — second only to HEEEEEEEEEEEEE's 110.60. To Stackhouse's credit, she once saved a dying bird in the middle of the street. This roster, however, could not save itself. Shauners takes the W and the 17.16-point cushion into Week 2 on a winning streak.
POWER RANKINGS
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StonewallBrgd (Mother Kelly, 1-0) — Season-high 167.46, three players over 26 points, and it wasn't even close. Legitimate threat until proven otherwise.
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shiftyshea67 (Young Shea, 1-0) — Three elite WRs, Jalen Hurts, and 158.52 points with 41 more left on the bench. The depth is real.
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andiesel67 (andie, 1-0) — Won by 0.56 and still put up 142.36. Gibbs and McBride are terrifying. Jordan Addison's 0.00 is a problem to solve.
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TeamSheasBoyfriend22 (Shea's Boyfriend, 0-1) — 141.80 points in a loss. Robinson and Jeanty together might be the most dangerous RB duo in the league. Fix the WR room and this team is dangerous.
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chassel0307 (chass, 0-1) — 133.04 in a loss to the week's highest scorer. Henry and Watson are studs. Loveland and Denver defense need to wake up.
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shaunieee (Shauners, 1-0) — 132.02 gets the job done, but Drake Maye at 9.82 and a 1-point kicker are ticking time bombs. Montgomery is the real anchor.
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HEEEEEEEEEEEEE (HEEEEEEEEEEEEE, 0-1) — Josh Allen scored 39.66 and this team still lost. Fix the lineup management before 110 more bench points disappear next week.
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Stackhouse2026 (Stackhouse, 0-1) — Lamar, Amon-Ra, and 103 bench points. The talent is there. The lineup decisions are not — yet.
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justincash (justincash, 1-0) — Returning champ wins with 101.90, which is 22% below average. D'Andre Swift carried this team. The rest of that roster needs to find itself.
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JesusJesse (JesusJesse, 0-1) — 96.46. The Jaguars D outscored Joe Burrow. Eighty-six points on the bench. Jesus take the wheel, because Jesse is not driving this thing safely.
LOOKING AHEAD
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🏆 Marquee Matchup: Keep an eye on any matchup involving Mother Kelly — at 167.46 points, every opponent is coming in as a double-digit underdog until someone proves they can match that output.
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📈 Streak Watch: Young Shea (W1) and andie (W1) both have legitimate rosters and complementary strengths — if they're on a collision course later in the season, that's a playoff preview worth tracking.
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🚨 Must-Win: JesusJesse cannot go 0-2. At 96.46 with 86.30 left on the bench, the lineup management has to change immediately. Week 2 is a competency test, not a football game.
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💀 Revenge Game: Shea's Boyfriend lost by 0.56 points with two of the best RBs in the league. He will be dialing up everything next week with something to prove, and the rest of the league should be paying attention.
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📊 League Trend: The bench points problem is the story of Week 1. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE (110.60), Stackhouse (103.56), JesusJesse (86.30), and justincash (56.80) all left significant points sitting. This league has talent. It also has a lineup management crisis that will determine the standings by October.