NOCO NFL

HEADLINE

Rammies Still Untouchable, Eff Them Picks Still Winless at 0-3

WEEK IN REVIEW

Three weeks in, and the NoCo NFL super keeper league has already sorted itself into two conversations: the Rammies Are #1 machine that nobody can stop, and the Eff them Picks tragedy that nobody can explain. Rammies cruised to their third consecutive win, dropping 148.54 on Total Karnage's skull in a 52-point blowout — and that was their lowest score of the season. Jahmyr Gibbs put up 41.40 points. Forty-one. That's more than WhoZ Next's entire starting backfield has scored combined across three weeks. Meanwhile, Eff them Picks watched Bijan Robinson go for 35.30 and George Kittle for 26.20 and still lost to All you need is Love 135.94–127.54, pushing the most cursed roster in the league to 0-3 with 394.36 total points scored. That's more points than every 2-1 team in the league except All you need is Love. The schedule is not scheduling.

The other major storyline: Dumpster Fire Donations continues to make their team name look like performance art. Drake London dropped 28.40, Kirk Cousins threw up 22.22, and the whole operation scored 154.82 to absolutely dismantle Beer Sponges! by 61.28 points — the week's biggest blowout. Both Rammies and Dumpster Fire are now 3-0, and their eventual head-to-head is shaping up to be the most important game of the regular season. One of these teams has to blink first, and based on Rammies' 160.80 PPG average, it's going to be a rough day whenever Dumpster Fire finds out. Also worth noting: Eatadyick pulled off the week's biggest upset, beating Daily Dose of Zink 104.48–85.78 behind Kenyon Sadiq's 23.50 from the tight end spot — while Zink's manager started Jadarian Price (1.20) and left 63.56 on the bench again. We'll get to that.

Looking ahead to Week 4, the benching addicts need intervention before the season slips away, the two undefeated teams are circling each other on the schedule, and Eff them Picks enters must-win territory before they're mathematically buried by Week 6. The group chat is going to be loud.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Rammies Are #1 def. Total Karnage, 148.54–96.54

(52.00-point blowout)

Rammies Are #1 opened the week by reminding Total Karnage — and honestly the entire league — that this roster is operating on a different tier. Jahmyr Gibbs alone scored 41.40 points, which is more than a third of Total Karnage's entire team output. Lamar Jackson added 20.44, CeeDee Lamb chipped in 20.20, and Rammies still had 94.10 points sitting on the bench untouched like they didn't need them. At 3-0 with a 160.80 PPG average and a season high of 168.80, this is the clear #1 team in the league and it's not close. Total Karnage meanwhile got 27.60 from Brock Bowers and 21.00 from Matthew Golden, but De'Von Achane put up 1.70 points and the Green Bay defense went negative, which is a special kind of awful. At 1-2 and averaging 108.07 PPG, Total Karnage has the points to compete — they just can't seem to put a full lineup together on the same Sunday.

Dumpster Fire Donations def. Beer Sponges!, 154.82–93.54

(61.28-point blowout)

Nobody tell Beer Sponges! that Saquon Barkley — Saquon Barkley — scored 9.00 points this week while their opponent was putting up 154. Drake London went for 28.40, Tee Higgins added 21.00, Jaylen Warren posted 20.60, and Dumpster Fire's worst performer in the starting lineup was their Panthers defense at 4.00 — which, honestly, is a perfectly acceptable DST score. The name "Dumpster Fire Donations" is now an active insult to actual dumpster fires everywhere. Beer Sponges! got solid production from Bo Nix (25.14) and Derrick Henry (21.90) but left 57.38 points on the bench and started Jalen Coker for 3.80. Bo Nix is 25 points and you're losing by 61. That's a roster construction problem, not a bad week.

All you need is Love def. Eff them Picks, 135.94–127.54

Eff them Picks now has three losses and 394.36 total points scored, which means they've been the victim of the most statistically consistent scheduling nightmare in this league's history. Bijan Robinson put up 35.30. George Kittle went for 26.20. They still lost. All you need is Love countered with Jaxon Smith-Njigba's monster 35.36-point performance, plus Kyren Williams (21.80) and James Cook (19.40) rounding out a balanced attack that squeezed out an 8.40-point win. Love improves to 2-1 and is quietly building into a legitimate contender with only 3.10 points left on their bench — the best lineup management in the league this week by a mile. Meanwhile, Eff them Picks has Brian Thomas starting and putting up 1.80 points while 65.16 bench points rotted. Zero wins. Nearly 400 points. This isn't bad luck anymore — it's a personality.

Sheller def. Whoopsies, 108.44–81.60

Whoopsies entered Week 3 at 2-1 and undefeated vibes. They exit at 2-1 with their crown cracked, and it was entirely preventable. Tyler Shough — the guy they started at QB — went for 24.80, which is actually fine. The problem is Khalil Shakir put up 1.60 points. Alvin Kamara, the guy who was supposed to be a difference-maker, put up 5.10. Meanwhile Spencer Shrader kicked his way to 17.00 points, which was somehow Whoopsies' second-highest score and a walking indictment of this lineup. Sheller won behind Ja'Marr Chase's 24.80 and Davante Adams' 20.70, but it's worth flagging that Puka Nacua scored exactly 0.00 points. Zero. Nacua watched from the field, or the bench, or possibly another dimension, and contributed nothing. Sheller is 2-1 despite that, which says something about the rest of their roster.

Old School def. Tank For Arch, 116.58–98.46

Old School is quietly becoming one of the more dangerous teams in this league. Joe Burrow posted 22.58, Christian Watson exploded for 22.60, Kenneth Walker added 21.30, and Trey McBride chipped in 16.50 at tight end. That's four starters over 16 points — balanced, consistent, and genuinely threatening. Tank For Arch, meanwhile, had Garrett Wilson go for 26.70 and Deebo Samuel chip in 15.40, but Braelon Allen's 4.70 and Mark Andrews' 5.40 dragged the lineup below water. The real crime: 44.48 points left on the bench. For the second consecutive week, Tank For Arch has benched their way out of a competitive game. At 1-2, the margin for lineup mismanagement is gone — every wrong start from here costs playoff positioning.

Eatadyick def. Daily Dose of Zink, 104.48–85.78

(Biggest Upset)

Brock Purdy scored 31.28 points and lost. Let that breathe. Daily Dose of Zink got elite quarterback production and still dropped to 2-1 because they started Jadarian Price — who scored 1.20 points — while 63.56 points decomposed on the bench untouched. This is the second consecutive week this manager has committed benching malpractice and paid for it. Eatadyick pulled the upset behind Kenyon Sadiq's 23.50 from the TE slot and Christian McCaffrey's 21.60, which is exactly the kind of unlikely hero pairing you need to steal a game. C.J. Stroud only managed 11.68, Courtland Sutton chipped in 7.60, Chris Godwin added 5.50, and Eatadyick still won because the other side made a starting lineup decision that would embarrass a first-year player. The bench addiction storyline for Daily Dose of Zink is no longer a storyline — it's a diagnosis.

Knicks Always def. Rocky Mountain Renegades, 92.94–75.56

Knicks Always wins without anyone cracking 20 points and that's somehow their whole brand now. Bhayshul Tuten led the squad with 17.00, Tyler Warren added 14.70, DJ Moore chipped in 12.70, and Dak Prescott put up a respectable 18.94 — it's a completely ceiling-less lineup that keeps finding ways to win ugly. At 2-1, they're making it work. Rocky Mountain Renegades, on the other hand, had Josh Allen at quarterback and still scored 75.56 points. Josh Allen. Kenny Gainwell put up 3.00. Xavier Worthy put up 4.00. Kayshon Boutte, whoever they are, contributed 4.10. Hunter Henry at TE added 1.50. You cannot hand the best QB in football to this roster and score 75 points — that takes genuine effort to construct badly. Rocky Mountain sits at 1-2 and trending toward irrelevance.

Nazty Hawk def. WhoZ Next, 105.62–77.72

Nazty Hawk got their first win of the season, and they needed WhoZ Next to be historically bad to secure it. Juwan Johnson exploded for 23.30 at tight end, Jeremiyah Love added 21.90, and Nazty Hawk's lineup delivered enough to get over the line — but the 81.50 points left on the bench is still haunting. That's almost a whole second team warming up on the sideline while the starters scrapped for 105. For WhoZ Next, this was the expected outcome. Kyler Murray put up 11.42. MarShawn Lloyd put up 3.80. Jacory Croskey-Merritt started at running back and contributed 5.30 points. Their kicker, Trey Smack, put up 1.00 point — which is a name and a score that belong together. WhoZ Next is 0-3 with 220.52 total points scored, running at 73.51 PPG, and their season high is 87.80. That's not a fantasy team. That's a protest.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Rammies Are #1 (3-0) — 160.80 PPG. Gibbs is a cheat code. Three blowouts in three weeks. This is the standard everyone else is failing to meet.

2. Dumpster Fire Donations (3-0) — 128.43 PPG average hiding a genuinely elite roster. Drake London, Kelce, Higgins, McLaurin — the name is the only dumpster fire here.

3. All you need is Love (2-1) — Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 35.36, nearly zero bench waste, two straight wins. This team is peaking at exactly the right time.

4. Old School (2-1) — Four players over 16 points this week. Balanced, consistent, and the most underrated roster in the league right now.

5. Eff them Picks (0-3) — 394.36 total points. Zero wins. Top-five roster, bottom-two record. The schedule is broken and everyone knows it.

6. Sheller (2-1) — Ja'Marr Chase and Davante Adams on the same team is unfair. Puka Nacua at zero is the tax they pay for it.

7. Daily Dose of Zink (2-1) — Brock Purdy at 31.28 and still lost because of one starting decision. Fix the bench addiction or watch this season unravel.

8. Total Karnage (1-2) — Brock Bowers, Mahomes, Matthew Golden. The ceiling is real. De'Von Achane at 1.70 and a negative defense is why they're 1-2.

9. Nazty Hawk (1-2) — 81.50 bench points in a win. One correct lineup decision from being 2-1 or better. The talent is there; the roster management is not.

10. Whoopsies (2-1) — Khalil Shakir at 1.60 and Kamara at 5.10 killed a winnable game. The kicker outscored two of their skill position starters. Concerning.

11. Beer Sponges! (1-2) — Extreme variance is the calling card. Derrick Henry and Bo Nix are real, but 57.38 bench points in a 61-point loss is indefensible.

12. Knicks Always (2-1) — 2-1 without a single player breaking 20 this week. Sustainable until it isn't. The ceiling conversation needs to happen soon.

13. Tank For Arch (1-2) — Garrett Wilson dropped 26.70 and it wasn't enough because the rest of the lineup let him down. Forty-four bench points for the second straight week.

14. Eatadyick (1-2) — Pulled a genuine upset. Kenyon Sadiq at TE is a sneaky weapon. Don't sleep on this team if the lineup starts clicking consistently.

15. Rocky Mountain Renegades (1-2) — Josh Allen is on this team. The score was 75.56. Kenny Gainwell at 3.00. Xavier Worthy at 4.00. There are no words.

16. WhoZ Next (0-3) — 73.51 PPG average. Kicker named Trey Smack scored 1.00 point. Their season high is 87.80. This is a full rebuild in a keeper league, which is a brutal combination.

LOOKING AHEAD

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  🏆 Marquee Matchup: Keep an eye on whether Rammies Are #1 and Dumpster Fire Donations land on a collision course in the coming weeks — the two undefeated titans haven't met yet, and when they do, one of these perfect records dies. With Rammies averaging 160.80 and Dumpster Fire at 128.43, that's a 32-point PPG gap that doesn't lie.

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  🔥 Streak Watch: Eff them Picks enters Week 4 at 0-3 with 394.36 points scored. At some point the scheduling variance has to break the other way — or this becomes the most painful season in NoCo NFL history. A fourth loss would make a playoff run nearly impossible even with their scoring volume.

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  ⚠️ Must-Win: Rocky Mountain Renegades cannot absorb another loss. At 1-2 with a 75.56-point performance this week and a roster built around one elite QB surrounded by mystery meat, they need to make trade moves or roster decisions before Week 4 or this season is already over.

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  💀 Revenge Game: Daily Dose of Zink needs to treat every remaining week as a revenge game — against themselves. Leaving 63.56 bench points twice in three weeks is the kind of self-sabotage that costs playoff seeds in a 16-team keeper league where the margin is razor thin. The players are there. Start them.

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  📉 League Trend: The benching addiction is spreading. Tank For Arch (44.48 bench), Daily Dose of Zink (63.56 bench), Nazty Hawk (81.50 bench), Beer Sponges! (57.38 bench) — four teams left a combined 246.52 points on their benches in Week 3 alone. In a 16-team super keeper league where the waiver wire is already stripped clean, lineup decisions are the season. The managers who figure that out first will be the ones still standing in December.