NOCO NFL

HEADLINE

Rammies Survive With Zero From Lamar, Burrow Torches Eatadyick

WEEK IN REVIEW

Let's start with the miracle. Rammies Are #1 (Finkle & Einhorn Inc.) went 8-0 by beating Whoopsies 104.30–99.86, and they did it with Lamar Jackson listed out and posting 0.00 at quarterback. Yes, the juggernaut ran a zero at QB, scored their season low of 104.30, and still escaped by 4.44 points. The hero was Tyler Bass, a free-agent kicker they picked up this very week, who dropped 16.00 points. That is more than the margin of victory from a guy who was on the waiver wire days ago. The Rammies have a 148.18 average and they needed a kicker to save them. Hell of a way to stay perfect.

Meanwhile, Old School spent the week committing a hate crime against Eatadyick, winning 167.78–67.28 for a 100.50-point margin, the biggest blowout of the season. Joe Burrow alone scored 42.48, which is more than Eatadyick's entire starting offense minus Jayden Daniels. Tyler Allgeier added 36.10 and Trey McBride chipped in 20.20, and Old School still left 52.80 on the bench. They benched a mid-sized team's worth of points. Eatadyick scored 67.28 with Chris Godwin Jr. at 0.00 and a tight end at 3.20, and finished as the low scorer of the league. Old School is now 5-3 on a W3 streak and looks like a real problem.

The other big result: Dumpster Fire Donations stayed 8-0 by beating Eff them Picks 138.88–89.86, thanks to Tee Higgins going for 37.50. All you need is Love held on at 7-1 by a single possession, 118.72–117.48 over Beer Sponges!, a game decided by 1.24 points. Beer Sponges! left 42.68 points on their bench in a 1.24-point loss. Read that again. Week 9 hook: the Rammies and Dumpster Fire are both 8-0, and the league is running out of schedule to hide behind.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Knicks Always (Team 7) def. WhoZ Next (WhoZ Next), 103.50–72.60

Knicks Always scored 103.50, which is below the league average of 110.02 and still won by 30.90, which tells you everything about their opponent. Bhayshul Tuten led the way with 29.90, and Dak Prescott added 19.80 at QB. The Knicks moved to 3-5 on a W1 streak, which is a pulse and not much more. WhoZ Next dropped to 0-8 on an L8 streak despite 72.60 and 27.86 points rotting on the bench. That's a third of the score sitting on the pine. They are eliminated, and the only thing left to protect is draft position.

Old School def. Eatadyick, 167.78–67.28

The league high and the league low played each other, and the result was a 100.50-point funeral. Burrow's 42.48 and Allgeier's 36.10 would each embarrass most of the league on their own. Old School sits at 5-3 on a W3 streak and is climbing into serious top-four conversation. Eatadyick fell to 3-5 and a 67.28 that ranks 37% below the league average. Godwin gave them zero and Kenyon Sadiq gave them 3.20, so nobody showed up. The playoff dream is fading fast for a team that never really had the roster for it.

Total Karnage def. Sheller (Team 13), 133.64–114.68

Total Karnage went off for 133.64, 25% above league average, and won by 18.96. Brock Bowers dropped 28.20 at tight end and Patrick Mahomes added 25.44, and they won despite A.J. Brown posting 0.00 and Nick Folk putting up -1.00 at kicker. Negative one. Sheller got huge games from Ja'Marr Chase (31.10), Tony Pollard (28.70) and Puka Nacua (25.00) and still lost, because Jake Ferguson is listed out and posted 0.00, and the kicker and Jakobi Meyers combined for 5.40. Sheller is 4-4 on an L2 streak and 27.46 points sat on the bench. Total Karnage moves to 5-3 and shoves itself into the top five.

Rammies Are #1 (Finkle & Einhorn Inc.) def. Whoopsies, 104.30–99.86

The nail-biter of the week and the most embarrassing near-miss for the favorites. Lamar Jackson is listed out and gave the Rammies 0.00, yet Michael Wilson (26.80), Jahmyr Gibbs (24.80) and the freshly added Tyler Bass (16.00) dragged them across the line. Whoopsies had Cam Ward at 26.26 and ran out of help, with Spencer Shrader scoring 1.00 at kicker, while 8.30 sat on the bench. A 4.44-point margin on a 104.30 season low is the closest this juggernaut has come to a loss. They stay perfect at 8-0 on a W8 streak. Whoopsies slid to 4-4 on an L1 streak.

Tank For Arch def. Daily Dose of Zink (Team 15), 129.14–113.56

Tank For Arch scored 129.14, 21% above league average, with D'Andre Swift (27.90), Braelon Allen (23.30) and Josh Jacobs (23.20) running the show. They're 4-4 on a W2 streak and quietly hanging in the middle tier. Daily Dose of Zink had a better week than they've had in a month, with 113.56 and Dalton Kincaid scoring 18.60, but Emanuel Wilson posted 0.00 and the loss was their sixth straight. They sit at 2-6 on an L6 skid. At least the Washington defense and kicker combined for 29.00 points, a rare reason to smile.

All you need is Love def. Beer Sponges!, 118.72–117.48

A 1.24-point squeaker that came down to a rounding error. All you need is Love got Jaxon Smith-Njigba for 23.80 and Jordan Love for 22.52, and escaped at 7-1 on a W7 streak. Beer Sponges! scored 117.48, a fine total, with Bo Nix at 19.28 and the Tampa defense at 18.00, but Zay Flowers posted 0.00 and, brace yourself, 42.68 points sat on the bench. A 1.24-point loss with that much meat left unused is a lineup-management crime. Beer Sponges! drops to 2-6 on an L1 streak and a season of talent that never turned into wins.

Dumpster Fire Donations def. Eff them Picks, 138.88–89.86

Dumpster Fire cruised to 8-0 behind Tee Higgins' 37.50 and 24.90 from Chuba Hubbard, beating the league average by 30%. Eff them Picks took a 49.02-point beating despite adding the Jacksonville defense off waivers and getting 20.00 from it, which was the only thing that kept the score from getting uglier. They got 7.60 from Bijan Robinson, 1.30 from J.K. Dobbins and 0.00 from a kicker. Eff them Picks is now 3-5 on an L2 skid with 946.70 points scored, second-most in the league outside the top three, and a record that does not match the talent at all.

Rocky Mountain Renegades def. Nazty Hawk (Team 14), 100.76–88.28

Rocky Mountain survived at 100.76 behind Josh Allen's 27.56 and Harold Fannin Jr.'s 23.40, which carried a lineup featuring Carnell Tate and the Houston defense, both at 0.00. They climb to 4-4 on a W1 streak, a record their 709.22 total points absolutely does not deserve. Nazty Hawk scored 88.28 and left a staggering 47.00 points on the bench, more than half their total. That's a second team sitting right there and they started the wrong players. They are 2-6 on an L4 streak and the season is slipping away.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Rammies Are #1 (Finkle & Einhorn Inc., 8-0): Scored 104.30 with a zero at QB and still won. The 148.18 average carries them, but the margin finally looked human.
2. Dumpster Fire Donations (Dumpster Fire Donations, 8-0): Tee Higgins' 37.50 powered another blowout. Their 124.95 average trails the Rammies by a lot, and the collision is coming.
3. All you need is Love (All you need is Love, 7-1): Survived by 1.24 against Beer Sponges!. Balanced roster, six wins in a row, but that was far too close.
4. Old School (Old School, 5-3): Burrow and Allgeier detonated for 167.78. W3 streak and a league-high week make them the hottest team outside the top three.
5. Total Karnage (Total Karnage, 5-3): Beat Sheller 133.64–114.68 despite a negative-one kicker. Bowers and Mahomes carry a roster with real weekly ceiling.
6. Sheller (Team 13, 4-4): Chase, Pollard and Nacua combined for 84.80 and still lost. Ferguson's zero and a 1.00 kicker cost the game.
7. Tank For Arch (Tank For Arch, 4-4): Swift, Allen and Jacobs delivered 74.40 combined. W2 streak, and the 129.14 week is their season high.
8. Rocky Mountain Renegades (Rocky Mountain Renegades, 4-4): Won on Allen and Fannin while starting two zeros. A 709.22 total says the record is borrowed luck.
9. Whoopsies (Whoopsies, 4-4): Lost by 4.44 to the Rammies with a 1.00 kicker. Cam Ward's 26.26 deserved a better supporting cast.
10. Eff them Picks (Eff them Picks, 3-5): Second-most points among the non-elite at 946.70, yet 3-5. Waiver add of the Jaguars defense was the only bright spot.
11. Knicks Always (Team 7, 3-5): Won only because WhoZ Next was the opponent. Tuten's 29.90 saved a 103.50 week from the lowest of expectations.
12. Eatadyick (Eatadyick, 3-5): Humiliated by 100.50 and a league-low 67.28. Godwin's zero and a tight end at 3.20 sank them.
13. Beer Sponges! (Beer Sponges!, 2-6): Lost by 1.24 while stranding 42.68 on the bench. Talent-rich on paper, lineup chaos in practice.
14. Nazty Hawk (Team 14, 2-6): Left 47.00 on the bench and lost by 12.48. L4 streak and a lineup that keeps beating itself.
15. Daily Dose of Zink (Team 15, 2-6): Scored a respectable 113.56 and still lost, extending the skid to six. The season is basically spoiler duty now.
16. WhoZ Next (WhoZ Next, 0-8): Eight losses, 72.60 this week and 27.86 on the bench. Eliminated, with only draft order left to protect.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›Marquee Matchup: Rammies Are #1 (8-0, 148.18 PPG) versus Dumpster Fire Donations (8-0, 124.95 PPG) is the collision everyone has been predicting, and one zero finally goes in the loss column. The Rammies are the clear scoring favorite, but they just needed a free-agent kicker to survive Whoopsies.
• ›Streak Watch: Daily Dose of Zink carries a six-game losing streak and WhoZ Next an eight-game one. All you need is Love owns a W7 streak and the Rammies and Dumpster Fire each sit on W8.
• ›Must-Win: Sheller (4-4, L2) and Eff them Picks (3-5, L2) cannot afford another slip. With a bunched middle tier, every loss now costs a playoff seed.
• ›Revenge Game: Beer Sponges! lost by 1.24 and left 42.68 on the bench, and Nazty Hawk left 47.00 sitting. Both are begging for a clean lineup and a statement win to atone for it.
• ›League Trend: Benching has become a real standings category. Old School stranded 52.80, Dumpster Fire 43.68, Beer Sponges! 42.68 and Nazty Hawk 47.00, and in a tight race those points are wins.