HEADLINE
justincash sneaks past Mother Kelly by 2.94 to stay perfect.
WEEK IN REVIEW
The returning champ is back to his old tricks. justincash survived the scariest 2-0 start imaginable, squeezing past Mother Kelly 139.76–136.82 in a four-point nail-biter that shouldn't have been close but absolutely was. Dak Prescott (29.76), DeVonta Smith (27.70), and Christian McCaffrey (22.60) did the heavy lifting, but Mother Kelly — sitting on the league's highest point total through two weeks at 304.28 — has now lost two in a row despite averaging 152.14 points per game. Let that sink in. The most dominant scorer in the league is 1-1. The schedule does not care about your highlights.
Elsewhere, HEEEEEEEEEEEEE pulled off the upset of the week, taking down andie 133.02–128.94 behind a genuinely unhinged Josh Allen performance — 42.82 points from one QB. That's not fantasy football, that's a war crime. Andie had the New England Patriots DEF drop 22 points on her and still lost, which is the kind of thing that keeps a manager up at night. Young Shea stayed perfect at 2-0 by absolutely stomping Shauners 124.26–94.72, though let's be honest — Shauners put up 94.72 with CeeDee Lamb going for 35.30 points. The rest of that roster looked like it was assembled at last call. Meanwhile, chass is now 0-2 after a 97.28-point outing, and JesusJesse is 0-2 after losing to Stackhouse by 3.20 in yet another nail-biter. The bottom is getting crowded and ugly.
Week 3 is where the chaos really starts. Mother Kelly desperately needs a win to stop the bleeding before that 304-point total becomes a punchline. JesusJesse and chass are running out of weeks to turn things around, and justincash is going to find out real fast whether that schedule has been carrying him or if the returning champ is actually built different.
MATCHUP RECAPS
justincash def. StonewallBrgd (Mother Kelly), 139.76–136.82
The most stressful win of the week went to the returning champ, who needed every one of Dak Prescott's 29.76 points just to survive. Mother Kelly answered with Jaxon Smith-Njigba going absolutely nuclear for 42.50 points and Kenneth Walker adding 26.80, finishing 8% above the league average — and still lost. justincash improves to 2-0 with only 26.50 points left on his bench all week, meaning he played almost a perfect lineup. Mother Kelly, averaging 152.14 points per game, is somehow 1-1 and needs to start converting dominance into wins before the playoff picture gets ugly.
Young Shea (shiftyshea67) def. shaunieee (Shauners), 124.26–94.72
Shauners came into this one with CeeDee Lamb (35.30) and Garrett Wilson (16.70) and still put up 94.72 points — 22% below the league average — which means the rest of the roster was essentially dead weight. Drake Maye put up 10.02, David Montgomery managed 4.40, and Brenton Strange contributed a heroic 3.70 from the tight end spot. Meanwhile, Young Shea's James Cook (23.90), Chris Olave (22.60), and Dalton Kincaid (22.50) all hit in the same week, and she's sitting at 2-0 with a season average of 141.39. TSA may treat her like an unaccompanied minor, but this league is starting to take her very seriously. Shauners has 61.98 points left on the bench and needs to figure out her lineup before the season fully gets away from her.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEE def. andiesel67 (andie), 133.02–128.94
This one was personal. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE — the man who has never met a beer he didn't fall asleep with — woke up long enough to ride Josh Allen's 42.82-point masterpiece to a 4.08-point upset win. Ja'Marr Chase added 26.50, and just like that, the comeback is on after going 0-1 in Week 1. Andie is not here for the curry, and she is definitely not here for this loss — she got 22.00 from the Patriots DEF, 23.30 from Jahmyr Gibbs, and 18.10 from Trey McBride and still came up short. That's 128.94 points and a loss, which is criminal. She's got 78.22 points riding her bench, the most unused firepower of any manager this week, and if she doesn't fix her lineup decisions she's going to be a very talented 1-2.
TeamSheasBoyfriend22 (Shea's Boyfriend/Owen) def. chassel0307 (chass), 113.30–97.28
Owen — who would never order a whole pizza for himself — picked up a much-needed win after dropping Week 1, grinding past chass 113.30–97.28 with a lineup that wasn't spectacular but got the job done. Jaylen Waddle (21.80) and George Kittle (18.00) were the standouts in a quiet week that still finished 7% below the league average. chass, meanwhile, dropped to 0-2 after a 97.28-point performance that sat 23% below the league average — and it's not like the roster is empty. Jared Goff went for 29.78 and Derrick Henry added 17.70, but Colston Loveland (1.30) and Malik Nabers (1.10) were essentially invisible. Ed West's Best is going to need a serious course correction before Week 3 becomes a must-win situation.
Stackhouse2026 def. JesusJesse, 124.60–121.40
Stackhouse — the woman who once saved a dying bird off the street — needed every bit of that nurturing energy to survive JesusJesse by 3.20 points. Amon-Ra St. Brown went for 35.20 and Sam LaPorta added 17.20 to power the win, but the real story is the 96.98 points Stackhouse left on her bench — the highest unused total of any manager this week. JesusJesse had Davante Adams exploding for 39.50 and Jonathan Taylor adding 29.20 — that's 68.70 points from two players alone — and still lost because Jaxson Dart put up 0.80 points at QB and the Chiefs DEF contributed exactly 0.00. JesusJesse holds the record for most fantasy teams in a single season and is now 0-2 in this one. At some point you have to start winning, not just fielding rosters.
POWER RANKINGS
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Young Shea (shiftyshea67, 2-0) — Undefeated, averaging 141.39, and her lowest score this season still beat Shauners by 30. This is not a fluke.
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justincash (Team 7, 2-0) — Returning champ survives a 2.94-point nail-biter to stay perfect. Barely used his bench. Efficient and dangerous.
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Mother Kelly (StonewallBrgd, 1-1) — Leads the league in total points at 304.28 and is 1-1. The most brutally unlucky schedule in the league right now. Don't sleep on her.
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HEEEEEEEEEEEEE (Team 8, 1-1) — Josh Allen went for 42.82 and flipped the narrative. On a win streak now. Just needs to stay awake long enough to manage the lineup.
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andie (andiesel67, 1-1) — Lost with 128.94 points and 78.22 on the bench. Not here for the curry, but definitely here to waste roster spots. Fix the lineup or keep losing close ones.
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Shea's Boyfriend (TeamSheasBoyfriend22, 1-1) — Owen got the W without ordering extra, posting 113.30 on a below-average night. Won ugly, but wins count the same.
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Stackhouse2026 (Stackhouse, 1-1) — Left 96.98 points on the bench and still won. That's either a lineup problem or a very lucky one. Either way, the bird-saver survives.
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Shauners (shaunieee, 1-1) — CeeDee Lamb is carrying an entire household on his back and still only 94.72 total points. Party of 6 needs to show up, not just one guest.
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chass (chassel0307, 0-2) — 0-2 with a 115.16 average that should be getting wins. The talent is there. The results are not. Ed West's Best needs a new week badly.
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JesusJesse (Team 5, 0-2) — 39.50 from Davante Adams, 29.20 from Jonathan Taylor, and a 0-2 record. Jaxson Dart (0.80 pts) and the Chiefs DEF (0.00 pts) are the co-villains of this season so far.
LOOKING AHEAD
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🔥 Marquee Matchup: Keep an eye on any matchup involving Mother Kelly — she's averaging 152.14 points a game and on a one-game losing streak. Whoever draws her in Week 3 is walking into a trap.
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📈 Streak Watch: Young Shea (W2) and justincash (W2) are both undefeated and on collision course territory. One of them has to blink eventually — when these two meet, the league stops and watches.
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⚠️ Must-Win: JesusJesse and chass are both 0-2. Fantasy seasons don't survive 0-3 starts in a 10-team league. Both managers need to overhaul their lineup decisions immediately — JesusJesse is starting a QB who scored 0.80 points, and chass is trotting out Colston Loveland as a starting TE.
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💀 Revenge Game: andie lost by 4.08 points with 78.22 sitting on her bench unused. That kind of lineup mistake is the kind of thing that haunts you — expect her to come out swinging in Week 3 to prove she's not just feeding HEEEEEEEEEEEEE free wins.
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📊 League Trend: Three of five matchups this week were decided by fewer than five points. This league is razor thin in the middle — from 113.30 to 139.76 separated nine out of ten teams. Roster management and lineup decisions are going to be the difference between playoffs and watching from the couch. Also: Fuck Michigan.