HEADLINE
StonewallBrgd drops 167 while JesusJesse drops the ball.
WEEK IN REVIEW
Week 1 of the 2026 Citizenship Required season is in the books, and the story isn't who won — it's how they won. StonewallBrgd came out of the gate swinging with a league-high 167.46 points, blowing past chass and "Ed West's Best" by 34.42 points in a matchup that wasn't really a matchup after the first quarter. Meanwhile, shiftyshea67 looked like a contender in their own right, dropping 158.52 on HEEEEEEEEEEEEE — who reportedly fell asleep somewhere around the third quarter and woke up 32.76 points short of a win.
The real chaos, however, happened in Columbus — or Southern California — or wherever andie and Shea's Boyfriend were watching from. 142.36 to 141.80. Fifty-six hundredths of a point. That's the margin between andie's 1-0 start and Owen's 0-1 nightmare. Shea's Boyfriend put up 141.80 points — which would have beaten seven other teams in this league — and still lost. The man said he'd never order a whole pizza for himself, but this week fantasy football ordered one for him and ate every slice in front of his face.
On the other end of the scoreboard, JesusJesse — the man who reportedly holds the record for most fantasy teams in a single season — somehow fielded the worst score in the league with 96.46 points. That's not a fantasy football score, that's a vibe check that came back negative. justincash only mustered 101.90 and still walked away with the win. Week 2 can't come fast enough.
MATCHUP RECAPS
StonewallBrgd def. Ed West's Best (chass), 167.46–133.04
StonewallBrgd opened the season with the highest score in the league — 167.46 points, a full 36 points above the league average of 131.42. That's not just a win, that's a statement. chass put up a respectable 133.04, which actually cleared the league average, but it didn't matter when your opponent is playing in a different zip code. This is the kind of opening week that gets you a target on your back by Week 3. StonewallBrgd sits alone atop the standings by 8.94 points of force, and the early Power Rankings bow accordingly.
shiftyshea67 def. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE, 158.52–125.76
shiftyshea67 came in at 158.52 — second-highest score in the league and nearly 27 points above the league average. HEEEEEEEEEEEEE managed 125.76, which is below the 131.42 league average, and honestly we can't say we're surprised from the guy who has never met a beer he didn't fall asleep with. The 32.76-point margin wasn't close, it wasn't dramatic — it was just shiftyshea67 doing shiftyshea67 things while HEEEEEEEEEEEEE nodded off. Both teams have a lot of season left, but one of them woke up Monday morning feeling a lot better about it.
andie def. Shea's Boyfriend (Owen), 142.36–141.80
Stop everything. 0.56 points. That's the nail-biter of the century in Week 1 of a ten-team league. andie — who, for the record, is NOT there for the curry — scored 142.36 points, which is already 10.94 above the league average. Shea's Boyfriend Owen countered with 141.80, which is also above the league average, and which would have been good enough to beat six other managers in this league this week. Owen says he'd never order a whole pizza for himself, but fantasy football just delivered one, charged him full price, and gave the pizza to andie. The good news for Owen: 141.80 points in a loss means the roster has real teeth. The bad news: andie knows it too.
justincash def. JesusJesse, 101.90–96.46
This was, charitably, a fantasy football game that happened. justincash's 101.90 was the second-lowest score of the week, sitting 29.52 points below the league average of 131.42. And yet — W1. JesusJesse, the man with reportedly more fantasy teams than most people have streaming subscriptions, put up the league's lowest score at 96.46, good for dead last in Week 1 scoring. On any other week, in any other matchup, justincash loses this handily. The only thing saving this recap from being a eulogy is that neither team has a bye yet. Plenty of season to figure it out — or not.
shauniee def. Stackhouse2026, 132.02–114.86
shauniee came out of the gate at 132.02 — just barely above the league average of 131.42, but above it nonetheless, and that's all that matters in the win column. Stackhouse2026 managed 114.86, which is a rough start for someone who once literally saved a dying bird in the middle of the street. The 17.16-point margin is comfortable but not dominant, and shauniee's margin for error gets thinner if the scoring doesn't climb. Still, a win's a win — and two drinks in, shauniee is probably already doing the 67-67-67 victory lap.
POWER RANKINGS
- StonewallBrgd (1-0, 167.46 PF) — League-high scorer, dominant margin, and zero signs of slowing down. Early season villain energy.
- shiftyshea67 (1-0, 158.52 PF) — Second-highest score in the league and it wasn't close. The standings gap behind them is already real.
- andie (1-0, 142.36 PF) — Won by a hair but scored above the league average. Not there for the curry, but absolutely here for the points.
- Shea's Boyfriend/Owen (0-1, 141.80 PF) — 141.80 in a loss is genuinely criminal. The roster is good. The schedule was not.
- shauniee (1-0, 132.02 PF) — Barely above league average, but 1-0 is 1-0. Party of 6 until the wheels fall off.
- chass (0-1, 133.04 PF) — Cleared the league average and still got cooked by the week's top scorer. Ed West's Best deserves better luck.
- HEEEEEEEEEEEEE (0-1, 125.76 PF) — Below average and fell asleep during a 32-point loss. Wake up, literally and figuratively.
- Stackhouse2026 (0-1, 114.86 PF) — She saved a bird once. Someone save her Week 2 lineup.
- justincash (1-0, 101.90 PF) — Won with the second-lowest score of the week. Enjoy it. Schedule luck has an expiration date.
- JesusJesse (0-1, 96.46 PF) — With all those fantasy teams, how is this the one that starts 0-1 with 96 points? The Lord works in mysterious ways.
LOOKING AHEAD
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🏆 Marquee Matchup: Keep an eye on how the top scorers stack up in Week 2 — StonewallBrgd and shiftyshea67 are both operating 25+ points above the league average and haven't played each other yet. When that one lands on the schedule, it's going to be loud.
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🔥 Streak Watch: andie and shauniee both enter Week 2 at 1-0 and will be fighting to prove Week 1 wasn't a fluke. andie especially — a 0.56-point win is the kind of thing that haunts a manager all season.
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🚨 Must-Win: JesusJesse goes 0-2 and this newsletter starts printing funeral programs. With 96.46 points in Week 1 — lowest in the league — there is no margin for another poor outing. Check the wire, check the matchups, check everything.
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⚔️ Revenge Game: Shea's Boyfriend Owen lost by half a point. Half. A. Point. Wherever he lands on the Week 2 schedule, expect a motivated 140+ performance and a strongly worded group chat message.
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📊 League Trend: The league average this week was 131.42, but the range ran from 96.46 to 167.46 — a 71-point spread in Week 1. This league is not balanced. It's chaotic. It's beautiful. Buckle up, Citizenship Required — the Fuck Michigan energy needs to translate to the scoreboard.