MILE HIGH FANTASY CLUB

HEADLINE

Chas Scores 205 Without Trying, Devon Cries Into His Gavel

WEEK IN REVIEW

Let's start with the crime scene. Chas — a man who once described his draft strategy as "I just clicked guys I'd heard of" — dropped 205.24 points in Week 1, which is 50% above the league average and the highest score in league history this season. That's right. One week in and we already have a season high. Derrick Henry went for 35.30, Justin Jefferson put up 31.20, Amon-Ra St. Brown added 28.70, and Chas sat there like a golden retriever who wandered into a casino and hit the jackpot. Meanwhile Devon — the league's attorney, its backbone, a man who literally clawed his way to the championship game last year — scored 176.50 points, good for second-best score of the entire week, and still lost. That's the Chas experience. You can do everything right. You can start Ashton Jeanty for 32.70 and Jaxson Dart for 26.60 and you will still look up at the scoreboard and see Veteran Minimum walking away with your soul.

The rest of the league didn't fare much better when it came to the blowout department. Three — THREE — matchups ended with the BLOWOUT tag slapped on them like a scarlet letter. Cameron, inheriting a rebuilt roster and hosting the whole damn draft at his family's Keystone house, was rewarded with an 82.46-point week and a 65.94-point loss to Brian. He started De'Zhaun Stribling, who scored exactly 0.00 points, and Kenny Gainwell, who chipped in 2.80. That is not a fantasy lineup. That is a cry for help written in invisible ink. Ryan, who has openly committed to the tank strategy with the confidence of a man who has never actually tanked successfully, got torched by James 146.68–106.18, with Jordan Addison and Romeo Doubs each scoring 0.00 from his starting lineup. Two goose eggs in one week isn't tanking. That's just losing, Ryan. Call it what it is.

And then there's the elephant in the room: Tolby. Commissioner. Architect of this entire operation. A man who runs the most meticulous analytics process in the league. Lost to Andy — Andy, whose tagline is "keep trying sleepers" — by 17.30 points, with Keaton Mitchell scoring 0.90 and Jaylen Waddle looking like he forgot what sport he plays with 1.20. The championship curse is already out of hibernation, folks, and it's only Week 1. We're barely past the opening credits and Tolby's already down a game. Week 2 cannot come fast enough.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Veteran Minimum (Chas) def. So Girthy (Devon), 205.24–176.50

Devon scored 176.50 — 29% above league average — and still lost. Let that sentence age in the barrel for a moment. Derrick Henry put up 35.30 for Chas, Justin Jefferson contributed 31.20, and Amon-Ra St. Brown added 28.70, because apparently the universe decided Chas needed to win by exactly enough to make Devon question every choice he's ever made. Devon countered with Ashton Jeanty at 32.70 and Javonte Williams at 24.20, plus a Jaxson Dart breakout of 26.60, which under literally any other matchup would have won comfortably. Chas also had 95.38 points on his bench doing absolutely nothing, because why would he need them. The Girthmaster went 29% above average and still took an L — that's not bad luck, that's the Chas Effect™, and there is no known cure. Devon should be furious. He should file an injunction. He is a lawyer. He has options.

The Caucasians (Brian) def. Back in the Goodell Days (Cameron), 148.40–82.46 💥 BLOWOUT

Cameron hosted the draft. Cameron volunteered his family's house. Cameron was thanked with a 65.94-point blowout loss and a starting lineup that included De'Zhaun Stribling (0.00 pts), Kenny Gainwell (2.80 pts), and Kayshon Boutte (3.10 pts). That's less than one first down's worth of production from three starting slots. Brian, meanwhile, had Jahmyr Gibbs going for 33.60 and Chuba Hubbard quietly cooking for 23.70, all while rock climbing somewhere on a different continent, probably. Cameron was 40% below league average in Week 1, which is brutal — but credit where it's due, he rebuilt this roster from the ruins of a dead man's team, and rock bottom in Week 1 is still just Week 1. The lesson here: never host the draft. The house always loses.

Schrack Daddy (James) def. tRyan to Contend (RyCohan), 146.68–106.18 💥 BLOWOUT

Ryan is tanking. Ryan will tell you he's tanking. Ryan had Jordan Addison (0.00 pts) and Romeo Doubs (0.00 pts) in his starting lineup, which means two of his ten starters were warm bodies filling stat sheet slots with nothing. His entire bench — the full depth chart he's hoarding — produced 13.70 points combined. That's less than what Bijan Robinson scored alone for James (31.30). James also got Zay Flowers for 26.00 and Trey McBride for 29.00, absolutely cooking while cracking jokes on the podcast about how easy it is. One thing worth noting: James started Bo Nix for 5.44 points, which is the most on-brand Broncos loyalty tax this league has ever witnessed. It cost him nothing because Trey McBride ate. Ryan's tank is either a genius long game or an extended participation trophy. The jury remains extremely skeptical.

Big Bauls on the Table (Paul Todd) def. Bad Brakes (Blake), 164.12–111.28 💥 BLOWOUT

Blake started Josh Allen (35.66) and still lost by 52.84 points. Process that. Allen went nuclear and Blake still got blown out, because Chris Rodriguez contributed 2.30, Courtland Sutton chipped in 3.10, and Kyler Murray actually went into negative territory at -0.38 points, which is a thing that happened in real life. Paul Todd, meanwhile, had D'Andre Swift (32.40), David Montgomery (28.90), and the surprise of the week — Jalen Coker out of Carolina going for 33.80 — all clicking at once. Blake has the best QB in the league and 111.28 points to show for it, which is exactly the kind of Bad Brakes energy his team name has always promised. Paul Todd's analytical machine is humming. Blake's machine has a negative quarterback.

Chasing Championships (Jenkins) def. Bitch Pigeons (Justin), 155.22–130.68

Jenkins, absent from the 2026 draft (the league felt it, the burgers were missed), managed to field a lineup good enough to beat Justin by 24.54. Kenneth Walker led the way with 34.10 points and Trevor Lawrence had himself a day with 26.10, which is genuinely unnerving given that Lawrence-optimism has historically been a trap. Justin, orchestrating from Prague across eight time zones, got 25.10 from Jonathan Taylor and 18.80 from Chase Brown — solid contributions — but Jordan Love only managed 19.48 and the bottom of his lineup quietly bled points. Justin's two-TE strategy was somewhat undermined by Sam LaPorta (12.30) and Jake Ferguson (3.60) putting together a combined effort that whispered rather than shouted. He had 115.84 bench points sitting idle, the most unused bench in the league, which for someone who prides himself on roster construction is either a depth flex or an alarming lineup call. Week 2 beckons.

Schrack Daddy (James) def. tRyan to Contend (RyCohan), 146.68–106.18

(See above — this matchup was covered in the blowout section)

SLËËP3RÇĒLL (Andy) def. big nasty (Tolby), 117.26–99.96

The commissioner lost to the surgeon. The championship curse has officially clocked in for the 2026 season and it didn't even wait for October. Tolby's lineup featured Jaylen Waddle at 1.20 points, Keaton Mitchell at 0.90, and Devaughn Vele at 19.90 — that last one actually slapping — but the production was scattered and inconsistent, leaving him at 27% below league average. Andy's saving grace was Caleb Williams going absolutely berserk for 37.26 points, a monster performance that dragged Andy's otherwise quiet lineup (Rashid Shaheed: 1.40, Rome Odunze: 7.20, Colston Loveland: 0.00) across the finish line. Loveland getting zero points is peak SLËËP3RÇĒLL sleeper energy — it will crater before the nation notices. Andy wins this one on the back of Caleb Williams and not much else, which is either sustainable or a disaster waiting to happen. Tolby, meanwhile, should go stare at his trophy case for strength.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Veteran Minimum (Chas, 1-0) — Posted the season high at 205.24. Still doesn't care. That's what makes it worse.

2. So Girthy (Devon, 0-1) — Scored 176.50, second-best in the league, and lost. Devon is unranked only by record. His ceiling is terrifying.

3. Big Bauls on the Table (Paul Todd, 1-0) — Three strong scorers clicked at once; depth and analytics are humming early. Watch this roster.

4. Chasing Championships (Jenkins, 1-0) — Kenneth Walker and Trevor Lawrence carrying in Week 1 is either a sign or a mirage. Probably both.

5. The Caucasians (Brian, 1-0) — Gibbs and Hubbard delivered. Brian wins Week 1 from an undisclosed mountain somewhere. Typical.

6. Schrack Daddy (James, 1-0) — Four trophies and counting. McBride and Flowers hit big; Bo Nix will be a recurring tax he refuses to acknowledge.

7. Bitch Pigeons (Justin, 0-1) — 115.84 bench points unused is a red flag from Prague. Roster is deep. Lineup management is the question.

8. SLËËP3RÇĒLL (Andy, 1-0) — Caleb Williams bailed him out. Loveland, Shaheed, and Odunze combining for 8.60 is a structural problem.

9. Bad Brakes (Blake, 0-1) — Had Josh Allen for 35.66 and still lost by 52. Kyler Murray owes Blake an apology and possibly money.

10. tRyan to Contend (RyCohan, 0-1) — Two zeros in the starting lineup is either tanking or tragedy. Ryan insists it's tanking. The scoreboard disagrees.

11. big nasty (Tolby, 0-1) — The commissioner is 0-1, Waddle had 1.20 points, and the curse has entered the chat. This is going to be a long season.

12. Back in the Goodell Days (Cameron, 0-1) — Hosted the draft, scored 82.46, started a player who got zero points. The league salutes Cameron's hospitality and his suffering.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›

  🏆 Marquee Matchup: Devon (SoGirthy) vs. anyone he can find — after 176.50 points and a loss, the Girthmaster is running on pure attorney rage and needs a corrective result immediately. Whoever draws him is in trouble.

• ›

  🔥 Streak Watch: Chas is 1-0 with 205.24 points and hasn't broken a sweat. The question isn't whether his luck runs out — it's which week, and whether you're the poor soul on the wrong side of it when it does.

• ›

  ⚠️ Must-Win: Blake (Bad Brakes) cannot afford to start another negative-point quarterback and call it a plan. A second loss with Josh Allen on the roster would be a personal failure of historic proportions.

• ›

  💀 Revenge Game: Tolby (big nasty) needs blood after losing to Andy by 17.30. The commissioner does not go quietly. He will have a spreadsheet. He will have a process. Whether he has a result is another matter entirely.

• ›

  📉 League Trend: Three blowouts in six matchups means roughly half this league is either very good or very broken — with no in-between. The middle class is already disappearing, and by Week 4 we'll know exactly which rosters are contenders and which are content.