NOCO NFL

HEADLINE

Rammies and Dumpster Fire Both Survive; Old School Drops 171

WEEK IN REVIEW

Last week's big prediction was that the Rammies and Dumpster Fire Donations would collide and one of them would eat a first loss. That did not happen, because the schedule is a coward. Both teams are 9-0 after feasting on the bottom of the bracket: Rammies Are #1 hung 129.80 on Daily Dose of Zink (78.46) and Dumpster Fire Donations beat Nazty Hawk 121.36-100.72. Nobody got hurt, nobody got tested, and the first loss in this league will have to wait. Meanwhile Old School went nuclear for a season-high 171.04 against Knicks Always, a 91.74-point beating that was 60% above the league average, with Kenneth Walker III (36.30), Christian Watson (30.10), and Joe Burrow (29.54) all feasting. And they still left 56.78 on the bench, which is more points than three entire starting lineups scored this week. Don't tell them. They're having a nice day.

The real story is the carnage in the standings below the unbeatens. All you need is Love, the supposed third pole of this league, got dropped by Sheller 135.32-118.98 and fell to 7-2. Jordan Love hung 36.18 and the team still lost, because Love also left a gaudy 41.80 sitting on the bench. Sheller's Puka Nacua (35.00) and Ja'Marr Chase (31.50) did the heavy lifting, and the Patriots defense contributed a perfect, majestic 0.00 and Sheller won anyway. Total Karnage (146.18) also trampled Eatadyick by 62.62 to climb to 6-3, while Rocky Mountain Renegades bagged their fifth win on 80.36 points, a total that would have lost to roughly 85% of this league's weeks. The luck prediction keeps cashing.

At the bottom, WhoZ Next finally exists on the win side of the ledger. They beat Beer Sponges! 70.34-68.26 in a 2.08-point upset, which is a victory in the same way that two people tying a three-legged race at the bottom of a lake is a victory. Carson Wentz put up -0.76 and WhoZ Next won anyway. Week 10 hook: with Rammies and Dumpster Fire still unbeaten, the middle of the standings is a knife fight where Sheller, Rocky Mountain, and the 4-5 trio are all one result from a different season.

MATCHUP RECAPS

WhoZ Next (WhoZ Next) def. Beer Sponges! (Beer Sponges!), 70.34–68.26

The lowest-scoring game of the week was also the closest, which is how you know the universe has a sense of humor. WhoZ Next was 34% below the league average and Beer Sponges! was 36% below it, so this was two teams sprinting to the bottom and one of them tripping into a win. Carson Wentz posted -0.76 at quarterback for WhoZ Next, and the kicker, Trey Smack, bailed him out with 16.00. Beer Sponges! got 1.90 from Tucker Kraft and 3.20 from Jaylen Waddle while stranding 34.80 on the bench. That bench alone would have won this game by itself. Beer Sponges! drops to 2-7 on a two-game skid, while WhoZ Next snaps an eight-game losing streak and climbs to 1-8. Playoff hopes: neither, but one of them gets to feel good tonight.

Total Karnage (Total Karnage) def. Eatadyick (Eatadyick), 146.18–83.56

A 62.62-point blowout, and the lineup efficiency tells the story. Total Karnage was 37% above the league average behind Matthew Golden (32.40), Bucky Irving (28.50), and Brock Bowers (22.30), and only left 14.82 on the bench, the tidiest bench in the league. Eatadyick got 22.70 from Christian McCaffrey and almost nothing else, while the kicker slot held a free agent literally named "0" scoring 0.00. That is not a lineup, that is an abandoned storage unit. Eatadyick also left 82.06 on the bench, the highest total in the league, which is roughly the entire output of a playoff-caliber starting lineup rotting on pine. Karnage moves to 6-3 and into the thick of the top five. Eatadyick falls to 3-6 and L2.

Eff them Picks (Eff them Picks) def. Whoopsies (Whoopsies), 123.18–104.40

Eff them Picks snapped back to 4-5 on a W1 streak with a quietly solid 123.18, 17% above the league average. Bijan Robinson delivered 26.70 after a Week 8 dud, Luther Burden III added 20.70, and the Jaguars defense chipped in another 11.00 as a waiver pickup. The only blemish was 43.54 on the bench, which is a ritual at this point. Whoopsies got 19.70 from Tyler Shough and a 16.00 kicker, but Brenton Strange's 4.20 at tight end and 33.48 benched kept them under 105 and sliding to L2. Both teams sit at 4-5, but one of them is trending up and the other is trending toward a firm talking-to.

Old School (Old School) def. Knicks Always (Knicks Always), 171.04–79.30

The league high of the season: 171.04, a mark of 60% above the league average. Kenneth Walker III scored 36.30 and Christian Watson added 30.10 off a Packers offense that apparently exists to feed other people's teams. Joe Burrow tacked on 29.54, Jonah Coleman added 18.80, and the whole operation left 56.78 on the bench like it was loose change. Knicks Always, meanwhile, was 26% below the league average with a roster of lukewarm production: Dak Prescott's 19.50 was the high point and DJ Moore and Keenan Allen combined for 13.20. Old School is 6-3 on a four-game heater and now genuinely scary. Knicks Always sits at 3-6 and L1, with a 91.74-point reason to wonder what went wrong.

Rocky Mountain Renegades (Rocky Mountain Renegades) def. Tank For Arch (Tank For Arch), 80.36–68.90

Two teams below the league average played a game, and one of them has to be 5-4. Rocky Mountain scored 80.36 despite starting Carnell Tate, who scored 0.00 and is currently listed out with a shoulder issue, and left a staggering 66.00 on the bench. Tank For Arch started Josh Jacobs, who scored 0.50 and is currently listed out with a finger issue, and managed 68.90 with a bench that held another 38.22. Jordan Watkins gave Tank For Arch 18.60 off the waiver wire, a pickup that paid off in a losing cause, and Cam Little's 17.00 at kicker was the best thing on the roster. The Renegades are 5-4 on W2 and the luck keeps rolling. Tank For Arch falls to 4-5 and L1 and the team name is starting to feel less ironic.

Sheller (Sheller) def. All you need is Love (All you need is Love), 135.32–118.98

The upset of the week by seed: Sheller (5-4) took down the 7-2 team on the strength of Puka Nacua (35.00), Ja'Marr Chase (31.50), and Javonte Williams (22.40). The Patriots defense scored 0.00 and the kicker scored 6.00, and it still did not matter. Sheller was 27% above the league average. Jordan Love went off for 36.18, but the rest of the lineup scored a combined 82.80, and the team left 41.80 on the bench, so this loss has fingerprints all over it. Love drops to 7-2 and L1, and the supposed third pole looks a lot more like a very good team that got caught. Sheller is 5-4 on W1 and back in the middle-tier mix.

Dumpster Fire Donations (Dumpster Fire Donations) def. Nazty Hawk (Nazty Hawk), 121.36–100.72

Dumpster Fire is 9-0 and still has not played a single game that felt like a genuine test, and 121.36 was good for 16% above the league average and not much more. Tee Higgins (20.20) and Travis Kelce (17.30) led the way, Caleb Williams added 16.76, and Jake Bates kicked in 15.00 at kicker. They left 31.94 on the bench, which is a lot less than usual and a nice reminder that they do own a lineup page. Nazty Hawk's 100.72 was solid enough, with Buffalo's defense popping for 16.00, but 22.90 benched and Kyle Pitts' 5.30 meant it was not enough. Nazty Hawk falls to 2-7 and L5. The unbeaten run continues and the schedule gods keep paying rent.

Rammies Are #1 (Rammies Are #1) def. Daily Dose of Zink (Daily Dose of Zink), 129.80–78.46

A 51.34-point rout, and it came with CeeDee Lamb (33.50) doing most of the work, plus Ka'imi Fairbairn's 17.00 at kicker, Chris Olave (16.80), and Isaiah Likely (16.30). Geno Smith stunk it up with 7.40 at quarterback and it still did not matter, which is the most Rammies sentence possible. Zink got 21.26 from Drake Maye and then Mike Washington Jr. posted -0.30 and Ladd McConkey posted a clean 0.00, which is how you leave 52.88 on the bench and still lose by 51. Rammies are 9-0 on a W9 streak, 22% above the league average this week, and their season low of 104.30 still looks like a rumor. Zink drops to 2-7 on a seven-game skid, which at this point is just a lifestyle.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Rammies Are #1 (Finkle & Einhorn Inc., 9-0): 146.14 average, W9, and a season low of 104.30 that most teams would frame on a wall.
2. Dumpster Fire Donations (Dumpster Fire Donations, 9-0): Perfect record, W9, still waiting for the schedule to finally send somebody dangerous.
3. Old School (Old School, 6-3): 171.04 and a league-high 56.78 on the bench; W4 and the scariest ceiling in the league.
4. All you need is Love (All you need is Love, 7-2): Jordan Love's 36.18 couldn't save a 41.80 bench problem. Still good, just a little less.
5. Total Karnage (Total Karnage, 6-3): 146.18 with the tidiest bench in the league at 14.82; W2 and rising fast.
6. Sheller (Sheller, 5-4): Beat the 7-2 team with Nacua and Chase and a zero at defense. Dangerous and weird.
7. Rocky Mountain Renegades (Rocky Mountain Renegades, 5-4): 789.58 total is a borrowed-luck special, and 66.00 on the bench is the receipt.
8. Eff them Picks (Eff them Picks, 4-5): Bijan woke up, the Jaguars defense keeps delivering, and the second-most points among non-elites finally has a W to show.
9. Whoopsies (Whoopsies, 4-5): L2 and a 4.20 tight end. Tyler Shough is fun, but the supporting cast is a gamble.
10. Tank For Arch (Tank For Arch, 4-5): Josh Jacobs scored 0.50 and is listed out. The Watkins pickup was a bright spot in a dim week.
11. Eatadyick (Eatadyick, 3-6): McCaffrey carried 22.70 and a free agent named "0" held the kicker slot. 82.06 on the bench is a crime scene.
12. Knicks Always (Knicks Always, 3-6): Dak Prescott's 19.50 led a 79.30 effort. Hard to feel sorry for a team that just got launched into orbit by Old School.
13. Beer Sponges! (Beer Sponges!, 2-7): Lost to a 1-8 team by 2.08 while stranding 34.80 on the bench. Lineup chaos is a lifestyle choice.
14. Nazty Hawk (Nazty Hawk, 2-7): L5, 22.90 benched, and a 100.72 that was not nearly enough against the unbeaten.
15. Daily Dose of Zink (Daily Dose of Zink, 2-7): Seven straight losses, a negative-score running back, and McConkey's 0.00. Spoiler duty is a generous label.
16. WhoZ Next (WhoZ Next, 1-8): Finally won, with Carson Wentz at -0.76. Celebrate responsibly and don't read the box score.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›Marquee Matchup: The Rammies/Dumpster Fire collision is still the one everyone is waiting for, and 9-0 versus 9-0 will eventually put a first loss on someone. Rammies average 146.14 to Dumpster Fire's 124.56, and a 21.58-point average gap says the pressure lands on Dumpster Fire.
• ›Streak Watch: Daily Dose of Zink is on a seven-game losing streak and Nazty Hawk is on five. Old School's four-game heater is the one to fear, because 171.04 is not a number anyone wants to face.
• ›Must-Win: All you need is Love at 7-2 cannot afford a second straight loss with a 41.80 bench problem hanging over it. The playoff seeding gap from 3rd to 6th is now a single result wide.
• ›Revenge Game: Beer Sponges! lost to a 1-8 team by 2.08 points with 34.80 on the bench. A clean lineup and a statement win is the only fix, because nothing else about this week is defensible.
• ›League Trend: Benching is still a standings category. Rocky Mountain (66.00), Old School (56.78), Zink (52.88), and Eatadyick (82.06) all stranded a playoff team's worth of points this week. Lineup discipline is the cheapest upgrade in the league, and almost nobody is buying it.