F*** THE OFFICE

HEADLINE

ColeOrtiz Survives Asstronaut by 0.02 While Burrow Drops 29.54

WEEK IN REVIEW

Let's start with the crime scene. ColeOrtiz beat Asstronaut 94.36–94.34, a margin of 0.02 points, and the match was decided by a defense that scored nothing. Asstronaut got a goose egg from the New England Patriots defense and a -0.50 from Josh Jacobs, who is listed out with a finger injury, while Joe Burrow hung 29.54 on the scoreboard. Asstronaut also left 20.22 on the bench. Last week's prediction called Asstronaut the scariest team on the board. Burrow's big day couldn't survive a negative-scoring running back and a zero at defense, so Asstronaut falls to 5-4 and snaps a three-game streak by two hundredths of a point. ColeOrtiz, meanwhile, extends the streak to W5 with a 94.36 that sat 28% below the league average. ColeOrtiz's team average is 116.07, and winning with a score that bad, while 30.70 points rotted on the bench, is the definition of regression bait.

At the top, GRB123 handled ShrimpHulk 153.68–124.48 to reach 8-1 despite George Pickens, who is listed out, posting a 0.00 in the lineup. Jordan Love (36.18), Christian Watson (30.10), and Bucky Irving (27.50) did the heavy lifting while Brock Bowers chipped in 21.30. GRB123 owns the season high of 204.40 and a 149.80 average, and a team that can win with a zero at WR2 is a problem for everyone else. TK23 held serve at 6-3 with a 126.98 win over jules1977, and dawsonballs got to 4-5 with a 151.46 win over Lil Whiskies, which is nice for a team named "1st place" that is sixth.

The week's actual upset belongs to Wingwee, who put up 162.56 to take down PhillytheThrill 135.66 and climb to 4-5 on a W1 streak. Kenneth Walker III erupted for 36.30 and Ja'Marr Chase added 31.50. That drops Philly to 5-4 on an L2 skid, and with the middle of the table this tight, one result like this reshuffles the whole bubble. Week 10 is where the standings start to harden.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Green Bowl Packers (ColeOrtiz) def. Team 6 (Asstronaut), 94.36–94.34

Two hundredths of a point. That is the margin, and somewhere a kicker is crying. ColeOrtiz scored 94.36, which was 28% below the 130.93 season-long league average, and still stretched the streak to W5 and moved to 6-3. Caleb Williams (16.76), Amon-Ra St. Brown (16.60), and the Texans defense (13.00) kept the lights on while Tucker Kraft laid an egg at 1.90. Asstronaut got 29.54 from Joe Burrow and then watched the lineup eat itself, with Josh Jacobs at -0.50 (he is listed out with a finger injury), Rachaad White at 4.90, and the Patriots defense at a flat 0.00. Asstronaut left 20.22 on the bench, and ColeOrtiz left 30.70, so both managers can look at the waiver wire and bench and feel something. Asstronaut drops to 5-4 and ColeOrtiz sits at 6-3, tied with TK23 in the record column.

1st place (dawsonballs) def. Lil Whiskies (WhiskeyWayne575), 151.46–127.10

dawsonballs finally cashed in the points the team keeps piling up, and 151.46 was good for a 24.36-point win and a record of 4-5. Matthew Golden went off for 32.40, Bijan Robinson added 25.70, and Ka'imi Fairbairn the kicker chipped in 17.00, because of course the kicker is a major contributor. Derrick Henry gave a sad 5.58 and Trevor Lawrence a meh 13.58, but it did not matter. WhiskeyWayne575 scored a respectable 127.10 and still lost, which sums up a 2-7 season where the Lil Whiskies are now on a L6 skid. The tragedy is the 48.50 points left on the bench, a number that would have beaten dawsonballs outright. The 49ers defense gave 19.00 and Chris Olave 16.80, but a manager who leaves 48.50 on the pine does not get sympathy.

SteelCityCholos (GRB123) def. ShrimpHulk (a2ron1519), 153.68–124.48

GRB123 rolled to 8-1 with a 153.68, with Jordan Love going 36.18, Christian Watson posting 30.10, and Bucky Irving pitching in 27.50. George Pickens, who is listed out with a hamstring, put up a 0.00 in the lineup, and it barely registered. a2ron1519 did what a2ron1519 does, which is score a perfectly respectable 124.48 and lose anyway. Puka Nacua dropped a monster 34.00 and Javonte Williams contributed 22.40, while Garrett Wilson laid a 0.00 and the bench quietly held 36.94 points. That is the story of ShrimpHulk's season, with good players, bad lineup math, and a 2-7 record that is now on an L2 skid. GRB123 holds a two-game cushion over the field and has not looked mortal since the 4.32-point loss to TK23.

Team 8 (TK23) def. Team 4 (jules1977), 126.98–85.36

TK23 won by 41.62, the blowout of the week, and moved to 6-3 on a W2 streak. Brock Purdy led with 26.28, Christian McCaffrey added 22.70, and Tee Higgins went for 20.20, which is what a functional offense looks like. Dalton Kincaid (5.80) and D'Andre Swift (3.10) were useless, and 27.40 sat on the bench, but there was never any drama. jules1977 posted the league low of 85.36, 35% below the league average, and the two zeros from Wan'Dale Robinson and A.J. Brown (listed out with a knee injury) are the reason. Travis Kelce gave 17.30 and Josh Allen 13.86, which is not nearly enough to cover for two dead roster spots. At 3-6 on an L1 skid, jules1977 is sliding toward the Toilet Bowl.

Team 7 (Wingwee) def. Team 10 (PhillytheThrill), 162.56–135.66

The upset of the week came from Wingwee, who scored a season-tying 162.56 (matching the season high from a lineup that peaked at exactly this number) to jump to 4-5. Kenneth Walker III scored 36.30, Ja'Marr Chase scored 31.50, and Luther Burden III added 19.70, which makes up for Jayden Daniels sleepwalking to 13.56. The lineup was good enough to beat a respectable PhillytheThrill effort, and the 23.00 on the bench is the smallest damage of the week. CeeDee Lamb went off for 32.50 for Philly, Drake Maye gave 21.26, and Philly still lost by 26.90 because Ashton Jeanty (7.00) and Devin Singletary (5.90) were dead weight. PhillytheThrill falls to 5-4 on an L2 skid, which is exactly the kind of slide that sneaks a team out of a playoff spot.

POWER RANKINGS

1. SteelCityCholos (GRB123, 8-1): The 149.80 average and a 204.40 ceiling make this the class of the league, even with a zero at WR2.
2. Team 8 (TK23, 6-3): Quiet W2 streak, a 140.09 average, and a fourth straight week of competent lineup management keep this team in the driver's seat.
3. Green Bowl Packers (ColeOrtiz, 6-3): The W5 streak is real, but a 116.07 average and a 0.02 escape say regression is coming for them.
4. 1st place (dawsonballs, 4-5): A 147.95 average and 1331.54 points scream underperformance, and the team finally got a win and sits one step from the pack.
5. Team 6 (Asstronaut, 5-4): Burrow dropped 29.54 and still lost by 0.02, and a 142.52 average says this team is better than its record.
6. Team 10 (PhillytheThrill, 5-4): A 141.44 average keeps the ceiling high, but back-to-back losses and two weak RB spots are dragging the floor down.
7. Team 7 (Wingwee, 4-5): The 162.56 was the high score of the week, but a 129.30 average and a 79.26 floor show a wildly inconsistent roster.
8. Lil Whiskies (WhiskeyWayne575, 2-7): An L6 streak and 48.50 points on the bench is not bad luck, it is bad management.
9. ShrimpHulk (a2ron1519, 2-7): Nacua gave 34.00 and the team still lost, with 36.94 on the bench and a zero from Garrett Wilson (listed out).
10. Team 4 (jules1977, 3-6): The league low of 85.36 and two zero-point WRs make this the clear bottom of the roster pile.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›Marquee Matchup: GRB123 at 8-1 with a 149.80 average is the team everyone is chasing, and whoever draws them next has to match a 153.68 outing just to stay close.
• ›Streak Watch: ColeOrtiz carries a W5 streak on a 116.07 average, and winning by 0.02 with a 94.36 is the clearest warning sign in the league.
• ›Must-Win: PhillytheThrill at 5-4 on an L2 skid cannot afford to drop another one with the bubble this crowded, and Asstronaut at 5-4 needs to stop burning points on injured starters.
• ›Revenge Game: Asstronaut lost by 0.02 and will want the rematch badly, and Burrow's 29.54 says the offense is ready to pay someone back.
• ›League Trend: Bench management is still the quiet killer, with WhiskeyWayne575 (48.50), a2ron1519 (36.94), and ColeOrtiz (30.70) all leaving huge piles of points unused while managers keep leaving injured players in the lineup.