NOCO NFL

HEADLINE

Dumpster Fire Donates 154 Points to Beer Sponges' Obituary

WEEK IN REVIEW

Let's get this straight: Dumpster Fire Donations is 3-0, averaging 128.43 points per game, and just dropped 154.82 on Beer Sponges! like they owed them rent money. Drake London went for 28.40. Tee Higgins chipped in 21.00. Jaylen Warren added 20.60. The Carolina Panthers DST that everyone laughed at in Week 1? Gone, replaced by Cairo Santos quietly hitting 10.00. The name says dumpster fire. The roster says division winner. Meanwhile, Rammies Are #1 kept doing Rammies Are #1 things — Jahmyr Gibbs put up a staggering 41.40 points, Rammies dropped 148.54 on Total Karnage, and still had 94.10 points sitting on the bench like a spare tire they don't need. Three weeks in, Rammies are averaging 160.80 points per game, and the only team in this league with a prayer of matching them is apparently named after a garbage pile.

The most catastrophic storyline of the week belongs to Eff them Picks, who are now 0-3 despite averaging 131.45 points per game — a number that would have them in first place on any other schedule in this league. This week they put up 127.54 with Bijan Robinson going nuclear at 35.30 points, George Kittle adding 26.20, and George Pickens chipping in 15.20. And they still lost — this time to All you need is Love by 8.40 points, because Jaxon Smith-Njigba went absolutely feral for 35.36. Eff them Picks has now scored 394.36 total points and has exactly zero wins to show for it. That is not a fantasy team. That is a cautionary tale. Meanwhile, WhoZ Next continues to exist at 0-3 with a season total of 220.52 points, which is somehow less than what Eff them Picks scored this week alone. Kyler Murray put up 11.42 points. MarShawn Lloyd managed 3.80. Someone started Jacory Croskey-Merritt and got 5.30 points. These are real events that happened.

The four-team undefeated club from Week 2 is now down to two. Whoopsies got bounced by Sheller 108.44–81.60, with Khalil Shakir delivering an unconscionable 1.60 points and Alvin Kamara sleepwalking for 5.10. Daily Dose of Zink dropped to 2-1 after Eatadyick pulled off the week's biggest upset, 104.48–85.78, despite Brock Purdy going for 31.28. Zink left 63.56 points on the bench and started Jadarian Price for 1.20 points, which is the kind of decision that haunts people. Looking ahead to Week 4, the two remaining undefeateds — Rammies and Dumpster Fire — have yet to face each other. When that collision finally arrives, it's going to be the most important regular-season game this league has seen in years.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Dumpster Fire Donations def. Beer Sponges!, 154.82–93.54

Dumpster Fire showed up to this one with a sledgehammer. Drake London's 28.40 was the headliner, but this was a full-roster beatdown — five players over 15 points, including Kirk Cousins quietly going for 22.22 in Las Vegas while everyone acts like that shouldn't be possible. Beer Sponges! had Derrick Henry for 21.90 and Bo Nix for 25.14, but then Saquon Barkley put up 9.00 points, Jaylen Waddle delivered 6.40, and Jalen Coker added 3.80 — the kind of WR2/WR3 production that gets managers staring at trade wires at 2am. The 49ers DEF went for 1.00 point, which tells you everything about San Francisco's season. Beer Sponges! fell to 1-2 and is now a team that wins games by 1.96 points and loses them by 61.28. The variance alone should be illegal.

Rammies Are #1 def. Total Karnage, 148.54–96.54

Jahmyr Gibbs scored 41.40 fantasy points. That's it. That's the recap. Okay fine — Rammies also got 20.44 from Lamar Jackson, 20.20 from CeeDee Lamb, 19.70 from Chris Olave, and 17.00 from the Vikings DEF, which makes this feel less like a fantasy lineup and more like a war crime. Total Karnage countered with Brock Bowers' quietly exceptional 27.60 and Matthew Golden going for 21.00, but De'Von Achane managed 1.70 points and the Green Bay Packers DEF went for -2.00 — negative two — while Patrick Mahomes contributed 16.94 on a week where he was supposed to be the anchor. Total Karnage falls to 1-2 and has now lost by 13.44 and 52.00 in back-to-back weeks. The season high is 122.80 and they've never touched it since Week 1. The 1-2 record feels generous.

All you need is Love def. Eff them Picks, 135.94–127.54

Jaxon Smith-Njigba went for 35.36 points and saved All you need is Love from becoming the latest victim of Eff them Picks' cruel fantasy existence. Kyren Williams added 21.80, James Cook chipped in 19.40, and Jordan Love — the quarterback who shares a last name with the team — went for 19.48, which is either destiny or a coincidence that manager is definitely not letting go of. Eff them Picks did everything right and still lost. Bijan Robinson: 35.30. George Kittle: 26.20. George Pickens: 15.20. The problem was Brian Thomas putting up 1.80 points and Breece Hall managing 8.50. You cannot have Bijan and Kittle in the same lineup, score 127.54 points, and lose. And yet. Eff them Picks is now 0-3 with 394.36 total points — more points than every 2-1 team in this league except All you need is Love. The scheduling gods owe this team an apology and a playoff seed.

Sheller def. Whoopsies, 108.44–81.60

Sheller needed this one after the volatility tour of Weeks 1 and 2, and delivered a clean 108.44 behind Ja'Marr Chase's 24.80 and Davante Adams' 20.70. Javonte Williams contributed 18.30 and Tony Pollard added 13.60, making this one of the more balanced Sheller lineups we've seen. The problem — always a problem — was Puka Nacua going for exactly 0.00 points. Zero. A bagel. He was started, he played, he contributed nothing. Whoopsies meanwhile had Tyler Shough going for 24.80 points (genuinely impressive), but Khalil Shakir put up 1.60, Alvin Kamara sleepwalked to 5.10, and Blake Corum added 3.50. The kicker — Spencer Shrader — scored 17.00 points, which was the second-highest individual score on the entire roster. When your kicker is your second-best player, the loss is deserved. Whoopsies drops to 2-1 on a one-game losing streak.

Old School def. Tank For Arch, 116.58–98.46

Old School got 22.60 from Christian Watson, 22.58 from Joe Burrow, and 21.30 from Kenneth Walker — a three-headed production monster that was enough to handle Tank For Arch despite Darren Waller somehow playing for 10.10 and Daniel Carlson (who is listed as a free agent, by the way) kicking for 2.00 points. Tank For Arch had Garrett Wilson going for 26.70 and Deebo Samuel adding 15.40, but Braelon Allen managed 4.70, Mark Andrews contributed 5.40, and the Eagles DEF went for 1.00 point in a week Philadelphia won their actual game. Tank For Arch falls to 1-2 with 44.48 points on the bench — a recurring theme for a team that has now made questionable lineup decisions in consecutive weeks. Old School moves to 2-1 and looks increasingly like a dangerous mid-tier team.

Knicks Always def. Rocky Mountain Renegades, 92.94–75.56

This was a low-scoring dog fight that Knicks Always won without anyone breaking 20 points — Bhayshul Tuten led the team with 17.00, Tyler Warren added 14.70, and DJ Moore chipped in 12.70. It wasn't pretty, but a win is a win. Rocky Mountain Renegades had Josh Allen — Josh Allen — score 19.46 points and somehow still lost by 17.38. That is because Kenny Gainwell put up 3.00, Xavier Worthy managed 4.00, Kayshon Boutte added 4.10, and Hunter Henry contributed 1.50 points from the tight end position. With Josh Allen on your roster, you should not be 1-2. You should not be losing to a team averaging 92.10 points per game. And yet here we are. Rocky Mountain falls to 1-2 on a two-game skid that feels very much like a roster construction problem wearing a Josh Allen mask.

Nazty Hawk def. WhoZ Next, 105.62–77.72

Nazty Hawk finally got a win, and it came against the only opponent in this league capable of making 105.62 points feel dominant. Juwan Johnson put up 23.30 from the tight end spot, Jeremiyah Love added 21.90, and Jalen Hurts somehow only went for 13.62 in a week where that was fine because nobody else scored either. WhoZ Next trotted out Kyler Murray for 11.42 points, MarShawn Lloyd for 3.80, Jacory Croskey-Merritt for 5.30, and a kicker named Trey Smack who delivered 1.00 point — which is a name that belongs in a wrestling ring, not a fantasy football lineup. Jordan Addison's 20.00 was the only bright spot in a lineup that is currently averaging 73.51 points per game, which puts them on pace to finish with fewer total points than Eff them Picks scores in seven weeks. Nazty Hawk moves to 1-2. WhoZ Next stays at 0-3 and is running out of adjectives.

Eatadyick def. Daily Dose of Zink, 104.48–85.78 ⚡ UPSET

The week's biggest upset, and it came down to one catastrophic decision: Daily Dose of Zink started Jadarian Price at running back, who scored 1.20 points, while sitting 63.56 points worth of bench production they never touched. Brock Purdy went for a genuinely excellent 31.28, but Dalton Kincaid delivered 3.80 from the tight end spot and Devaughn Vele added 6.90 from a position that needed more. Eatadyick won this despite C.J. Stroud putting up only 11.68 points and Chris Godwin contributing 5.50 — saved entirely by Kenyon Sadiq going for an absurd 23.50 from tight end and Christian McCaffrey adding 21.60 in what might be his last healthy game for the next six weeks. Eatadyick moves to 1-2, Zink drops to 2-1, and the lesson here is that 63.56 bench points and a 1.20-point running back do not coexist peacefully.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Rammies Are #1 (3-0) — Three weeks, three wins, averaging 160.80. Jahmyr Gibbs just scored 41.40 points. There is no second sentence needed here.

2. Dumpster Fire Donations (3-0) — Legitimately scary roster with Drake London, Kelce, and McLaurin. 154.82 this week is not a fluke. Name change petition incoming.

3. All you need is Love (2-1) — JSN for 35.36, Kyren Williams for 21.80, James Cook for 19.40. This team is deeper than the Week 1 loss suggests. Rising fast.

4. Eff them Picks (0-3) — 394.36 total points. Zero wins. Bijan Robinson just scored 35.30. The universe is broken and this team is proof. They will absolutely go on a run.

5. Old School (2-1) — Joe Burrow, Kenneth Walker, and Christian Watson all over 21 points in the same week. Quietly well-constructed and trending upward.

6. Sheller (2-1) — Ja'Marr Chase and Davante Adams are a legitimate WR1/WR2 pairing. Puka Nacua at zero points is the only thing standing between this team and a top-three ranking.

7. Total Karnage (1-2) — Brock Bowers for 27.60 and a season high of 122.80 suggest the ceiling is real. De'Von Achane for 1.70 and a -2.00 DEF suggest the floor is a trapdoor.

8. Daily Dose of Zink (2-1) — Brock Purdy is genuinely elite and this team has real pieces. Starting Jadarian Price for 1.20 while leaving 63.56 on the bench is the kind of decision that costs playoff seeds.

9. Nazty Hawk (1-2) — Finally got the win they needed. Juwan Johnson for 23.30 from TE was the difference. Nazty Hawk still has 81.50 bench points this week — the benching addiction is a personality trait at this point.

10. Tank For Arch (1-2) — Garrett Wilson for 26.70 is the weekly reminder this roster has legitimate weapons. Two straight losses and 44.48 bench points is the weekly reminder someone keeps leaving them unused.

11. Whoopsies (2-1) — Tyler Shough for 24.80 was real and impressive. Khalil Shakir for 1.60 and Alvin Kamara for 5.10 in the same lineup is how 2-1 becomes 2-2 in a hurry.

12. Knicks Always (2-1) — Won a 92.94-point game and should be thrilled about it. No one broke 20 points. Josh Allen-less rosters winning in the 90s is sustainable until it very suddenly isn't.

13. Beer Sponges! (1-2) — Lost by 61.28 after winning by 1.96. The variance on this team could cause a medical episode. Saquon Barkley for 9.00 is the core problem and it isn't going away.

14. Eatadyick (1-2) — Won on the strength of a 23.50-point tight end you've never heard of. McCaffrey for 21.60 is nice until he inevitably gets hurt. Enjoy this one.

15. Rocky Mountain Renegades (1-2) — Josh Allen is on this roster. Josh Allen scored 19.46 points. They lost by 17.38. Kenny Gainwell played and scored 3.00 points. These facts should not coexist.

16. WhoZ Next (0-3) — 220.52 total points in three weeks. Kyler Murray for 11.42. Trey Smack for 1.00. MarShawn Lloyd for 3.80. Jordan Addison is good! Unfortunately Addison cannot play all nine positions simultaneously.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›🏆 Marquee Matchup — Rammies Are #1 vs. Dumpster Fire Donations: Two 3-0 teams. One undefeated record falls. Rammies averaging