F*** THE OFFICE

HEADLINE

Asstronaut Drops 189.78 While dawsonballs Stays 1st In Name Only

WEEK IN REVIEW

Asstronaut opened the week by dropping 189.78 on Wingwee, 44% above the league average, and Joe Burrow did most of the damage with 42.48 points all by himself. Asstronaut has now won three straight and sits 5-3, but GRB123 sits above everyone at 7-1 after a 172.12-135.56 dismantling of PhillytheThrill. Brock Bowers (28.20), Braelon Allen (23.30), and the Steelers defense (21.00) did the work while Jonathan Taylor limped to 5.70 and George Pickens added 6.80. When you win by 36 with two starters in single digits, the scoreboard is just rubbing it in.

The bottom of the league is where the comedy lives. dawsonballs, whose team name is "1st place," lost to ColeOrtiz 114.88-105.80 and is now 3-5 on a three-game skid. Zay Flowers put up 0.00 and Parker Washington gave 3.60, while Matthew Golden did his best with 20.90. This is a team with 1180.08 total points, third most in the league, and a record that belongs to someone who scored 900. Meanwhile jules1977 beat WhiskeyWayne575 97.36-94.70 in a game where the winner started Alvin Kamara (0.00), Carnell Tate (0.00), and A.J. Brown (0.00). Tate and Brown are both listed out as of today, and still jules found a way to win. That is the saddest victory lap of the season.

The standings are bunching up. Asstronaut, PhillytheThrill, TK23, and ColeOrtiz are all 5-3 behind GRB123, and three of them are within a single bad week of a different seed. Week 9 is where the pretenders start to get exposed.

MATCHUP RECAPS

Green Bowl Packers (ColeOrtiz) def. 1st place (dawsonballs), 114.88–105.80

ColeOrtiz scored 114.88, which is 15.27 below the league average of 130.15, and still won because dawsonballs managed to be worse. That is a four-game win streak built on a 118.79 season average, which is roughly one regression away from collapse. Michael Wilson (26.80) and Tucker Kraft (17.30) carried the day while Will Reichard laid a 0.00 at kicker. ColeOrtiz leaves 22.30 on the bench. dawsonballs started Zay Flowers (0.00) and Parker Washington (3.60) and left 18.30 on the bench, a team that has led the league in scoring lost to a team that has not. Dawson is 3-5 and has a hole to dig out of that is deeper than the 1st place nameplate suggests.

SteelCityCholos (GRB123) def. Team 10 (PhillytheThrill), 172.12–135.56

GRB123 posted 172.12, 41.97 above the league average, and moved to 7-1 on a two-game streak. Brock Bowers (28.20) was the star, with Braelon Allen (23.30) and the Steelers defense (21.00) chipping in. Jonathan Taylor gave 5.70 and George Pickens 6.80, which would sink most teams. GRB123 left 15.10 on the bench, the cleanest lineup this team has set in weeks. PhillytheThrill got 21.46 from Drake Maye and 27.70 from Tony Pollard, but Omarion Hampton (4.70) and Brenton Strange (7.50) were duds. The Jacksonville defense pickup paid off with 20.00 points, and it still wasn't close. PhillytheThrill drops to 5-3 on a one-game skid.

Team 4 (jules1977) def. Lil Whiskies (WhiskeyWayne575), 97.36–94.70

This was the Toilet Bowl, and both teams treated it like one. jules1977 scored 97.36, 32.79 under the league average, and still won by 2.66 over a Lil Whiskies team on a five-game losing streak. jules started Alvin Kamara (0.00), Carnell Tate (0.00), and A.J. Brown (0.00), and both Tate and Brown are listed out as of today. Josh Allen (27.56) and Jahmyr Gibbs (24.80) did all the lifting. WhiskeyWayne575 got Omar Cooper Jr. at 0.00 and MarShawn Lloyd at 2.60. At 2-6 the playoff conversation for Lil Whiskies is over. jules at 3-5 is still technically breathing.

Team 6 (Asstronaut) def. Team 7 (Wingwee), 189.78–147.18

Asstronaut hung 189.78 on Wingwee, the season high for the week and 59.63 above the league average. Joe Burrow's 42.48 was the engine, and Chuba Hubbard (24.90), Jaxon Smith-Njigba (23.80), Josh Jacobs (23.20), and Trey McBride (20.20) all showed up. Even Quinshon Judkins at 6.90 and Justin Jefferson at 14.30 couldn't slow this down. Asstronaut moves to 5-3 on a three-game streak with only 10.58 left on the bench. Wingwee scored a respectable 147.18 and still lost by 42.60, mostly because 56.20 points sat on the bench. Ja'Marr Chase went off for 31.10 and Bhayshul Tuten added 29.90, but Jordan Mason (2.00) in the lineup while 56.20 rotted on the pine is a managerial crime. Wingwee is 3-5 on a two-game skid.

Team 8 (TK23) def. ShrimpHulk (a2ron1519), 138.08–106.06

TK23 scored 138.08, 7.93 above the league average, and bounced back from last week's loss with a 32.02-point win. Tee Higgins went off for 37.50 and D'Andre Swift added 27.90, which papered over Aaron Rodgers laying 5.88 at QB. Drake London (1.80) and Jason Myers (1.00) were also dead weight. TK23 left just 4.40 on the bench, a massive cleanup from last week's 28.10. ShrimpHulk is 2-6 and gave Puka Nacua (25.00) and Jameson Williams (17.00) a solid day, but 49.64 points on the bench is a franchise-defining waste. TK23 climbs to 5-3 and keeps pace in the pack.

POWER RANKINGS

1. SteelCityCholos (GRB123, 7-1): 172.12 on a day Jonathan Taylor gave 5.70. The class of the league and still the only team with a real cushion.
2. Team 6 (Asstronaut, 5-3): 189.78 with Burrow at 42.48 and a three-game streak. Scoring 148.54 a week makes this the scariest team on the board.
3. Team 8 (TK23, 5-3): Tee Higgins at 37.50 saved a lineup where Rodgers gave 5.88. Clean bench management is the difference-maker for this team.
4. Team 10 (PhillytheThrill, 5-3): Lost by 36.56 to GRB123 but the Jaguars defense pickup paid off at 20.00. One bad week, not a collapse.
5. Green Bowl Packers (ColeOrtiz, 5-3): Four straight wins on a 118.79 average. Efficient, lucky, and one regression away from falling out of the top five.
6. 1st place (dawsonballs, 3-5): 1180.08 points scored and a 3-5 record. Zay Flowers at 0.00 summarizes a season of terrible luck and worse timing.
7. Team 7 (Wingwee, 3-5): 56.20 points left on the bench while Jordan Mason scored 2.00. Pure self-inflicted wounds from a manager who stared at the answer.
8. Team 4 (jules1977, 3-5): Won with three zeroes in the lineup, two of them listed out. Allen and Gibbs bailed out a negligent lineup check.
9. Lil Whiskies (WhiskeyWayne575, 2-6): Five straight losses and a 94.70 effort that lost the Toilet Bowl by 2.66. Season is done in everything but name.
10. ShrimpHulk (a2ron1519, 2-6): 49.64 bench points more than offset the 106.06 total. Draft-day genius turning into waiver-wire negligence.

LOOKING AHEAD

• ›Marquee Matchup: GRB123 and Asstronaut are the top two scorers in the league at 149.32 and 148.54 averages. If these two meet in the playoffs, bring snacks.
• ›Streak Watch: ColeOrtiz carries a four-game win streak on a 118.79 average. Asstronaut is at three. Someone's streak ends soon, and my money is on the one with the lower floor.
• ›Must-Win: dawsonballs at 3-5 on a three-game skid has the league's third-highest point total and a record that looks like a typo. Another dud and the "1st place" name becomes a hate crime.
• ›Revenge Game: PhillytheThrill got worked by GRB123 this week and will want a chance to prove the 135.56 was a fluke. A 177.74 season high says the ceiling is real.
• ›League Trend: Bench management is still the quiet killer. Wingwee left 56.20 on the bench, ShrimpHulk left 49.64, and both lost. The manager who sets a clean lineup is winning the tight ones.